dispatches from the pop scene...minus the corn syrup.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Cry For Help

An Open Letter To Rachel Stevens:

Dear Rachel,

Here's the trouble your career is in, Doll... Rick-fucking-Astley just sidestepped your ass in the charts today. Rick Astley! With an album of coma-inducing covers, no less! He hasn't even had an album out in England since 1993.

It's time to do some soul-searching. Actually, it's too late for that. So, D'Luv is gonna tell you what to do. First off, axe your manager. He or she clearly doesn't have any real direction for your career to be going in, since all your singles sound so different they could each be by a different artist. And no, that's not a good thing! The public wants familiarity with their pop stars. Look at said Astley. When he chucked the Linn drum and started hanging with Elton, we dumped him.

Next, find ONE goddamn producer and stick with them. Your songs are all over the place, and we don't really know who the hell you are or want to be. Are you a pop singer? A hip, trendy electro act? An '80s revivalist? We have no idea.

Finally, go make an album like Kylie's Fever. Now, she happened to work with different producers on that album. But, hey, she'd been in the biz for 13 years by that point, and earned the right to do so. She fuckin' knew what she was doin' with that album. You should sit back and watch. You know you want to be her, anyway.

Rachel, we wish you well. We really do. We like some of your songs. But not enough to stand by you if you keep on this "what-do-I-wanna-sound-like-this-week?" kick.

Take these words to heart, Babe. Cuz D'Luv don't lie. Nor do the charts! (Your single, "I Said Never Again" disappointed at UK #12 last week, and your album Come And Get It didn't make us come and get it, debuting at UK #28, two notches below The Rickster). Be warned.

With Love,

D'Luv

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