dispatches from the pop scene...minus the corn syrup.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

You Can't Hide Your Age From Us, MTV

MTV turns 25 today, but the network seems content to ignore its long history. On the eve of the one-time "all music" channel's birthday, Chart Rigger stalwarts J'ason D'Luv and MoogaBoo look back at the sordid past and colorful personalities that MTV has served up.

MOOGABOO: Wow, so I can't believe MTV is three years older than me.

J'ASON D'LUV: Geez, you're that old?

M: Oops, no, wait. I'm ... uh... how old is Talan from Laguna Beach?

JD: Is that a girl or boy?

M: He’s the hot stud from the show, gramps. Oh, wait, do kids still say "stud"? I mean, do we still ... I ... So MTV. 25. I guess we should discuss music. Ha Ha!

JD: Yeah, let's talk about music regarding the network that hasn't played music in 16 years. Out of curiosity, what year did you get MTV?

M: 1989. Tone Loc was King, day-glo spandex was still acceptable, and one Julie Brown just wasn't enough.

JD: I was spoiled early on, because we had MTV in our house by summer '82, when they still played obscure music and turned it into hits. They even played stuff that wasn't hits. They used to play tons of Thomas Dolby videos - other than "She Blinded Me With Science" - like "Europa And The Pirate Twins." Did you secretly practice your hector-slammin' dance moves to Club MTV like I did in '89?

M: I was sho' nuff cookin' in that book, yes. But really, in tribute to MTV, we should ignore all music talk and try to get each other to date someone's mom. Has MTV ever played anything in heavy rotation that you actually liked?

JD: I just remembered the last time I actually watched MTV. It was when TRL was still hot. I actually saw the one where Mariah Carey had her popsicle cart meltdown, and that may have been the last time I caught the show...

M: That was a good time to stop watching. If MTV ever owns up to its age, they should put that one on a DVD of classic moments.

JD: But to answer your question, I have to say no. When they would put something decent into heavy rotation, it was rotated to death, ala The B-52s' "Love Shack" or Duran Duran's "Come Undone." Although, I have to admit, "Come Undone" was a good time for MTV. 1993, the waning days of them still playing the right balance of music videos and Real World marathons.

M: “Love Shack” was a revelation when it first aired. Now I think it would give me an aneurysm. And I swear it's been ten years since I last saw it. “Come Undone” was great. That video represented the transformative powers of MTV. What a comeback.

JD: So, do you think we're in the minority, not having watched the network in awhile? And seriously, how long has it been since you last watched? I've seen it a total of two times since 2002...

M: Well among our age group - 18 to 24 - we are definitely in the minority. It's been about two weeks since I last caught MTV. I think they were having a Next/Date My Mom/ Sweet Sixteen marathon. I think the channel still wields a lot of influence. How else to explain the rise of the Simpson sisters?

JD: And the Video Music Awards seem to still draw classy B-listers out of the woodwork to make out on camera.

M: Yeah. We'd probably never see Pam Anderson if it wasn't for those. Oh wait, I meant to say something positive about the VMAs.

JD: Well, the VMAs are definitely a positive force. When Britney tongued Madonna on them, it killed her career. I for one plan on returning to MTV like a moth to Lindsay Lohan's firecrotch this fall when Totally Boyband starts airing.

M: Do you ever stay up late at night and wonder what happened to the newsy dames of MTV? Your Tabitha Sorens, your Duffs, your Kevin Seals?

JD: I think Kevin Seal actually made my turkey pita wrap at the Ralph's deli counter today. But, yeah, remember when Tabitha Soren interviewed Bill Clinton? Wonder if she went down on him in the green room?

M: Yeah, I remember Tabitha was the It girl for awhile. I think she went on to CNN, and then international reporting. And she may even have blown Clinton a few more times. Who knows?

JD: Here are two names for ya: Kennedy and Jesse Camp. Wonder which one's turnin' tricks in an alley right now?

M: I'm going to guess Kennedy puts out for Fox News interns, and Jesse turns over for anyone with a needle and a spoon. When I think of Kennedy, I think of those contrived “grunge fashions for girls” that were all the rage circa '93: body suit with jeans, flannel tied around waist, inexplicable scrunchie. Real punk. Meanwhile, I remember Pauly Shore was on Howard Stern a few years ago, and I think he had a box of his dead girlfriend's ashes - with bones sticking out.

JD: Who was the bald freak that hosted Headbanger's Ball in the '90s?

M: Matt Pinfield! I think he also did a stint on MTV's later alternative show called MTV… uh... Alternative?

JD: He wasn't so bad...

M: He was one of the few people on there who knew what he was talking about. Unfortunately, he was on MTV, and therefore looked like an idiot.

JD: Oh, you know what was a scam? When Jesse Camp won that VJ contest over that stockier guy, but then they made Stocky Guy a VJ, too. F that. That's not fair. And then Stocky Guy outlasted Camp and replaced Carson Daly on TRL when Carson flew the coop.

M: Oh, I know! And I think Stocky Guy is still there! He must be in his forties by now. You just reminded me of what a hot property Carson Daly once was. I mean, he was always kind of a tool, but he was once a young, peppy chick-magnet, too.

JD: Now he's less famous than Carson Kressley. Ryan Seacrest swooped in and stole his mojo.

M: Poor Carson Daly. His stock really plummeted. I bet Stocky Guy has to drive all the underage popstars home after the show now.

JD: And Stocky Guy probably keeps a towel in his backseat in case one of said popstars is game for some action.

M: You mean like one of Fall Out Boy?

JD: Is Carson's late late late night talk show still on?

M: Yes. I think it's now called The Carson Daly/Station Identification/Star Spangled Banner Show.

JD: AKA, when you wake up hungover at 2:46 a.m. facedown on the couch and can't muster the strength to reach for the remote...

M: Oh, so we're back to Jesse Camp...

JD: Wonder how long till YouTube makes stuff like MTV totally irrelevant?

M: Six months ago.

JD: So, to sum it all up, do we still want our MTV?

M: Sure. Why not. Sometimes I am in the mood to see moms on dates. Oh, and of course, for Talan...

JD: Yeah. she's pretty dreamy, I hear.

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  • At 1:56 PM, Blogger Daft Monk said…

    Great post! Back in the late 90's I talked to a guy who was an editor for an now cancelled mtv bio-show who told me that people working at the network referred to their audience as a bunch of retarded 16 year olds.
    Where are they nows: Matt Pinfield looks like he is in pain as announces Shakira songs as he hosts vh1’s top 20 countdown these days. The last time I left the tv on Carson Daly is still doing the late-late-late show and derails nightly as he attempts to do jokes. That stocky guy is Dave Holmes who co-hosts some lets-show-a-movie-and-cook/remodel/”be funny” wrap on some cable network and hosted a reality show last summer on a broadcast show.

  • At 7:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    so do they show videos at all anymore?

  • At 9:05 PM, Blogger J'ason D'luv said…

    Thanks, Daft Monk. I just read today that Dave Holmes is openly gay, something I was always oblivious to.

    And, for Anonymous, I believe they still air Total Request Live, and do some sort of countdown show, but I could be wrong on that last one. Again, I haven't had MTV since 2002. Hence them creating the spin-off premium cable package-only channel, M2, which plays videos all the time....

    The whole reason MTV is distancing itself from its own anniversary, I would guess, is because they no longer are the same network from 25 years ago. MTV isn't Music Television anymore. It's grown, changed hands and morphed into a conglomerate-owned entity unrecognizeable from the days of VJs and music videos.

  • At 10:33 PM, Anonymous PopMuse said…

    did u boyz know that PopMuse was a club MTV Dancer as a teenager? No Joke. But seriously don't tell anyone, I have a reputation to uphold.

  • At 11:27 PM, Anonymous shanaynaylachild said…

    u little gay boys should do more banterviews...this is da best shiznit i read on here in ages - except for my OWN posts, that is!

  • At 12:04 PM, Blogger J'ason D'luv said…

    Hey, PopMuse, when do we get to see that footage, huh? You can't come here and make comments like that and not face up to your lurid past. It goes up by 5 this afternoon, or the dog gets it....

  • At 12:49 PM, Blogger xolondon said…

    Slate should buy this post from you.

    Did PopMuse body pump with the future Mrs. Kelsey Grammer, Camille Boobola?

    I noticed Pinfield back and he looks the same, which is a benefit of looking old at a young age!

    Tabitha married some controlling DC think tank/mag bigwig and made babies. Now in total obscurity from what I know.

    Remember Steve Isaacs? He is another one who thinks it's 1991 and still has long black hair. I think he plays with the ExMr Carmen Electra. Whatsisname. The one who snogs men.

    Carson has manorexia and a lollipop head now. Poor guy. An exercise addict.

    I have not watched MYV for more than ten minutes at a time since godknowswhen. Real World is now a show about strippers and druggies. NOT normal kids. I occasionally catch TRl if I am home, just to see what is up with those kids. Isn't vanessa Minillo an MTV VJ? it really is a fast ticket to Nowhere. If newsgirl Allison Stewart can't make it out of there, no one can.

    And don't get me started on the recent hair travesties of forever "young" John Norris. That's another man who needs to have some carbs. He looks very piched.

  • At 12:50 PM, Blogger xolondon said…

    PINCHED I mean, pinched.

  • At 5:07 PM, Blogger The Duke said…

    Oh, you boys...

  • At 11:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    and I forgot to mention, really funny post. Don't you work for a magazine D'Luv? They should publish it.

  • At 4:59 PM, Anonymous I dont want my MTV said…

    Did anybody noticed the second pic (mogaboo?). He pissed in his pants... that piss is coming down fast, and on the polo shirt too.

  • At 5:25 PM, Blogger J'ason D'luv said…

    and here all this time I thought it was my shadow as I took the picture. Ha... you learn something new each day.

    Incidentally, those Polaroids were taken in a Barnes & Noble parking lot in X-tina's hometown of Cranberry, PA (where she grew up, not where she was born).

    Incidentally, every time I go into that B & N when I'm back home for Christmas, I'm repeatedly told how I 'just missed' seeing her shopping in there by the store clerks. It was an especially classy moment when I was told this one year as I was buying the issue of Maxim with her bent over in a pool wearing a thong on the cover (for my Dad - hot.)


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