dispatches from the pop scene...minus the corn syrup.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

The Banterview: She Wants To Dance With Me

It's Dannii Minogue's 35th birthday (again), which has J'ason and MoogaBoo wondering if the Dames Of the Dancefloor get better with age.

J'ASON D'LUV: I'm playing the new Kim Wilde record, Never Say Never. How is it this good?

MOOGABOO: I know! It really does defy the comeback cash-in curse.

JD: The intro to "Maybe I'm Crazy" is so Pet Shop Boys, it shoulda just been called "She's Madonna."

M: "Maybe I'm Crazy" is like a total early-'90s reach-around. And the chorus reminds me of "On A Night Like This" and BBMak's "Back Here." That's two great rip-offs for the price of one!

JD: It's got the classic Madonna "Holiday," Rick Astley "Never Gonna Give You Up" and Pet Shop Boys "Being Boring" chords at the beginning.

M: Babe, I couldn't put my finger on why, but I knew you would love those chords!

JD: They guarantee at least at Top 15 hit... well, unless you're Kim Wilde.

M: "Maybe I'm Crazy" also reminds me a bit of "Mixed-Up World" by Sophie Ellis-Bextor.

JD: This is so my new jam. Move over, JoJo, grandma wants her rocking chair back!

M: I knew all the gardening shows and dietary supplement commercials were just a smokescreen for Kim's triumphant return to the lower reaches of the Eastern European charts. And "Maybe I'm Crazy" is actually a b-side on the "You Came 2006" single, so I'm glad it made it to the album as well. I wasn't buyin' both. Sorry, Kimbo, but a boy's gotta eat!

JD: Some of her other new songs are pretty rockin'. I hope Kim's in shape, because she'll look pretty silly being fat, 60 and jamming her air guitar on stage. Although, the last picture I saw of her looked like she'd at least adjusted all the right parts.

M: We Kim fans have watched her face evolve over the years, for better or worse.

JD: Surely it's not been as shocking as the Great Dannii Minogue Evolution. I think Darwinists will be debating that one till the earth stops spinning.

M: I suspect a whole "Paul Is Dead" scenario there -- like, the real Dannii was killed in a meat-grinding accident, so they brought in a homeless starlet to take over the role.

JD: If Macca hears that comparison, you'll single-handedly be responsible for causing the third Beatle to hit the dirt.

M: Speaking of D. Minogue, rumor has it her next single may or may not be a cover of Sister Sledge's "He's The Greatest Dancer" -- possibly for charity, and most certainly scheduled, delayed and cancelled by the time this banterview goes up.

JD: So she's realistically given up any hopes of having a hit again? Good for her, I say!

M: It's only a matter of time before Dannii's spotted dragging a futon and an Aldi bag full of clothes into the apartments above G-A-Y.

JD: Oh, that wouldn't be good. Isn't G-A-Y slated to be torn down at some point? Ohhh, I get it...

M: I often wonder what fascinates me about the Middle-Aged Dames Of Dance. Is it their talent? Their tenacity? Their ability to live for decades off nothing but tips from a drunk, occasionally brutal, gay male audience and the two cent royalty off an '06 remix that has little to do with their vocals?

JD: That's a really good question. I wonder if taylordayne@taylordayne.net would have the answer?

M: Well, now that Pride festival season is over...

JD: I really have to say, I thought that latest Gina G single would chart better than #57 in the UK. How grim. Why do we always back the losers in pop?

M: Because we can relate? Er, wait, I meant, because we feel bad for them?

JD: I feel like Madonna should start a fund for Fallen Dance Divas. She's certainly got the cash. And now that her own hit status is stretched as thin as her face, she's got the time.

M: That would be a very nice thing...so, yeah, she'd never do it. But maybe one of the other matriarchs -- one who isn't living from paycheck to paycheck -- could do it. Maybe Donna Summer or Diana Ross...

JD: I don't know. Diana might be tied up. Has she stopped chasing the armada of UFOs flying around her foyer with a broom yet?

M: Okay, so the Dames ain't exactly catching fire these days. Maybe they just need some new blood. I like to think that Jessica Simpson's "A Public Affair" hitting #1 on the Club Play chart was her official indoctrination into the society.

JD: Jessica does live in Hollywood. And she is over 24. Has her pension fund kicked in yet?

M: It's like the music world said, "Look, kid, you're never gonna have a real hit again, but we'll keep you around for the gays."

JD: And the gays love swatting at a blonde wig like a ball of yarn.

M: Part of me wants to take Jessica by the shoulders and say, "Babe, from now on it's going to be a lot of late nights in trashy discos, the smell of cosmotinis and GHB permanently soaked into your dress, and shirtless, sweaty guys with over-groomed eyebrows not giving a shit about the album version of your deeply personal repertoire. And that craggy, botoxed face looking back at you? It's Janice Dickinson, and she's throwing a bitch-fit because she's no longer Queen of the White Party. Beware -- this is your point of no return!"

JD: That could very well cause her to age 36 years on the spot and one of her three tits to slump.

M: The dance market is actually really bloodless right now. It's very polarized; on one side it's the very trite business of sexed-up divas mewing over a tribal beat, and on the other it's electro burp-n-fart (thank you Mr. Brady) that inspires dancing only among the severely depressed cutters of places like Misshapes.

JD: Christ, with a glib autopsy like that, where's Sinitta when you need her?

M: Sinitta went to that place where all dance ladies go to die -- trophy marriage.

JD: Didn't Jewel just whore herself out again by releasing a bevy of remixes for some song or other from her last album?

M: Yeah, the single for "Only One Too" came out last week, and it's a pretty sweet package of anachronistic "happy" mixes.

JD: I guess Jessica Simpson's gonna need someone to show her the ropes in P-town.

M: The Stonebridge mix is just so much damn fun, especially the last three minutes: the breakdown with the "Yeah...yeah...yeah," then the bridge laid atop and finally the looped wail followed by the repeat of the chorus. There's also the ecstatic moment at approximately 7:03 when she kicks it up a notch and shrieks, "I am the only one!" There's an electric guitar in there, too. It's a gushing fountain of diaphanous disco beauty.

JD: I'm sorry...you want me to make it seven minutes into a Jewel remix? What's in it for me? Anyway, don't you think Stevie Nicks is about due to have a synth-clap reinvention of some sort?

M: She did have a pretty big club hit with her cover of "Dreams," with Deep Dish. Decent as it was, I had to wonder what was the point.

JD: Despite the gay following, she never really caved in to the pressures of the disco and put out a full-fledged dance record. Who the hell does she think she is?

M: She's smart enough to look at the big picture and say, "Yeah, the fags love me, but I know they're sort of laughing at me, too. So fuck them." Stevie's not havin' it. She's one of your more serious ladies.

JD: Let's face it, when the disco finally burns to the ground, I think Madge and Kylie will be the only ones standing. Then Cher will step out of the smoke and knock them both over the head with a lightboard.

M: Cher's the mother of them all. I heard she's working on a new electronic dance album.

JD: Actually, isn't she working on a rock album?

M: Oh, fuck journalistic integrity!

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  • At 6:24 PM, Blogger PinkieDust said…

    Cher's new album is based on the melodies she hums while shes doing a wee.

    Thats an exclusive you can quote me on.

    Damn i love that skank.

    Hey I reviewed your site. Do you agree. Do you hate me? Shameless? Me! Never!

  • At 6:48 PM, Blogger J'ason D'luv said…

    Blatantly gushing about us guarantees our love for you... for at least a whole month!

    Do you know if there are remixes available yet for the Cher songs you just described?

  • At 12:52 PM, Blogger PinkieDust said…

    Oh yes, theres the Club69 and Overs Vocal Haze Mix which is making the muscle boys of Vauxhall interupt their crystel meth love-ins while the Hex Lector rubdub mix is getting the trash queens of Soho on their podiums.

    Shes working with Guy Chambers, Xenomania and Barry Stone. Shes covered a Robyn song and has written lyrics to the lead off single rumoured to be called Long Enough? The album is currently called The Confessions of that other Dancefloor OAP.

  • At 1:55 PM, Anonymous numbfromdrugs said…

    OMG. So funny. But you're wrong on Dannii. There's no way she'd ever be reduced to sleeping on a slutty abandoned mattress in a derelict building. (If only because she gets a kick out of that and does it every weekend anyway.)

    No, my gut tells me she's at home, sitting on a pile of money, making an unpaid intern show up for 15 minutes at a recording studio to hold up a cell phone to a mike with her on the other end to bang out some looped moans. Then she's jetting off to Sitges and grinding her wad on the deck of some yacht.

    Or at least that's what I hope she's doing. Right?...Right?

  • At 5:08 AM, Blogger xolondon said…

    Look Dannii is in the pantheon JUST for marrying Dr. Christian Troy. Ma friend 'n I endlessly muse on whether or not Dannii just came out and said, "Make me look like Kylie" to her surgeon. Whatever - she had a Jungian moment in her last round of press where she FINALLY achieved her ideal beauty. Le sigh. We need a love fight!

  • At 5:13 AM, Blogger xolondon said…

    PS: The Jewel remix IS fantastic and I can't stand ol' snagggletoothlivedinavan!

  • At 4:42 AM, Blogger Unknown said…

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