Nothing In This World Can Stop Us From Doing Another Paris Hilton Banterview

Just when you were ready to write her off, Paris Hilton comes up with the best video of the year! J'ason and MoogaBoo dish on the racy romp.



MOOGABOO: I have to hand it to her, this new video is much more colorful than the one for "Stars Are Blind." Although, to be frank, Paris Hilton grinding against what looks like a toddler in a wifebeater has sent my creeped-out-o-meter into overdrive.

J'ASON D'LUV: And how wrong is the opening scene? The kid is laying in bed ogling Maxim, his arm obscured by sunlight so that we don't know what he's using it for, all while his chihuahua is on its back beside him. What would Freud make of this?

M: Freud would really be into the song, but he'd be all, "Yo, where's that dork's hand?"

JD: This boy looks familiar. Wasn't he in Sugababes at one point?

M: Oh, I assumed he was from your High School Musical program. Are you telling me he isn't? This must be that Stavros Niarchos person I keep hearing Paris is dating, then.

JD: Let it be said that she's really showing her charitable side here by generously stripping for 14-year olds. I like how all day long this loser fantasizes about Paris rapidly gyrating in her panties. I'm glad I'm not the only one.

M: The video seems to be inspired by that family comedy classic, Milk Money. That was definitely one of Melanie Griffith's most beloved roles. I'll never forget the box office furor when it came out.

JD: Going along with that, I get the impression this video is meant to show the soft side of Paris in a bid to turn sales of the album around. The label probably felt she came off too slutty in "Stars Are Blind," so they're like, "But see, she's a ho with heart..."

M: Yeah, she's shrewdly courting the nerd demographic. Hell, Kevin Smith's lived off it for over a decade, so why not Paris? I'm sure she's a wonderful gal, but it makes me a little sad that kids aren't aspiring for more than Paris Hilton in a tube top these days. I mean, surely there's something better.

JD: Oh, babe, Paris is the summit of children's dreams, I'm afraid. Hopefully, with decent SAT scores and four years at an accredited institution, they can achieve that goal.

M: Well, she does show a funnier, softer side that is infinitely more likeable than the one we usually see on TMZ.com, leaving a club at 3 a.m., giggling into a cell phone about the latest starlet she maimed in the ladies room.

JD: I think you just described what a typical business meeting with her is like. How about when she's the naughty school teacher in the video, wearing glasses with her hair pulled back? That image alone almost makes buying her CD in broad daylight -- without the benefit of a wig and sunglasses -- seem justified.

M: Less attractive, but still effective, is the scene against the shelves of football helmets. At a glance, it almost looks like the entire team is going down on her.

JD: I actually kept hoping she'd knock those shelves over, or at least vomit Carl's Jr. burger chunks into the mean guy's helmet.

M: Do you think this video will gain Paris what she wants: world domination?

JD: Well, the jock guy comes off as a jerk. Everything about the video succeeds in making you root for the underdog. So, to answer your question, once again I feel she's proved to be the most important artist since Hoobastank. I was almost gonna refer to her as the "Madonna for the new millenium," but that would imply she's a humorless ice block, completely vaccuumed of joy.


M: Maybe some people are expecting too much of Paris Hilton. She can't be the new Madonna, but she can be the new Stacey Q.

JD: This kid in the video looks like a teenage Jack Black, give or take 80 lbs.

M: I was thinking the same thing, except instead of Jack Black it was k.d. lang -- and not as a kid, but a couple albums ago.

JD: When he's getting his head flushed in the toilet at the beginning by the jock, there's that fugly blonde dame standing behind them. I wish Paris would do something evil to her at some point, like arrange for her name to be crossed off the guest list at Ghost Bar.

M: Common sense tells us there must be a great cat-fight scene laying on the cutting room floor somewhere.

JD: You know, when the bully gets his tray of food smacked onto his shirt, it doesn't fully feel like retribution since neither the nerd nor Paris does it.

M: Well, let's not forget that her role in the video is that of the fantasy object; the Venus made real. Hers is a purpose of love. She's a muse of creativity.

JD: It is a creative form of statutory rape she's perpetuating, now that you mention it.

M: Crimson-haired Lindsay Lohan would be more appropriate as the fire-throwing goddess of revenge. Sadly, there seems to be a lull in her pop career at the moment. I guess she couldn't think of any lyrics to rhyme with "heat exhaustion."

JD: Or "double penetration at Jeremy Piven's condo."


M: When all the haters have had their say, they have to at least concede that "Nothing In This World" blows Lohan's career out of the water. This song is a gem, misguided video or no.

JD: This is a Dr. Luke-only produced song. It either shows that he's the main force behind the Max Martin sound, post-"Since U Been Gone," or that he's completely become a carbon copy of Max.

M: It's a distinct sound. I suspect Max used Dr. Luke to some extent -- as aging producers are wont to do with their protégé -- and once they hit gold, Dr. Luke decided to go for his. 

JD: I guess he really is an "old" producer now. Make way for Max in the buffet line at Camp Irrelevant, Rodney Jerkins.

M: Now, now. No need to be that morbid. He could always just go bonkers like Phil Spector or Pete Waterman. Then he'd be immortal!

JD: The faux movie trailer titles keep flashing "Sometimes A Loser Wins." I wonder if that's a hopeful reference to the Warner Records exec who signed Paris, and whose job is probably now on the line?

M: Is Tinkerbell playing a double role?

JD: No, the boy's chihuahua is much larger. But do we honestly believe Paris' dog is really the same one she's had throughout her career? I feel like she probably trades those mutts in every couple months.


M: She most likely has a wall of them, pinned up in plastic baggies like goldfish at the fair. But I bet she uses every part of the chihuahua after it's dead, so it's ethically okay.

JD: Just like the Native Americans did! I wonder if some queen Indian ever put a tiara on a buffalo back in the day? Now why didn't I think to ask that in History class?

M: That would have been easier than making a tiara out of a buffalo, which is what some tribes were forced to do on a regular basis.

JD: Well, God bless America...and Paris Hilton, too.

M: Amen.