Banterview: There's No Pop Justice For Scooch

Much to the horror of some supposed pop fans, Britain made it's mind up and is sending cheeseball foursome Scooch to Eurovision.

MOOGABOO: So, do we really think Scooch have a chance of resurrecting their career with Eurovision?

J'ASON D'LUV: "Flying The Flag (For You)" is #30 already on U.K. iTunes, That's not great, but once the CD single is released in a couple weeks, it should at least guarantee they go to #38 on the U.K. chart. That's like going quadruple platinum compared to how their 2000 album Four Sure did.

M: I'm blasting said album for the first time in years. I forgot how good it is.

JD: There are some great choons on there. So, David Ducasse, the queen doing all the "Flying The Flag" flight-attendant innuendo one-liners -- "Would you like something to SUCK on for landing, SIR?" -- he's the one Mike Stock got pregnant, right?

M: I did think those kitschy asides were a bit unnecessary, but then, I'm in my thirties.

JD: Speaking of unnecessary, lead singer Natalie Powers' website, which I have never visited, mind you, has been promising every month for five years that she's "in the studio." I expect she'll finally put out a 10-disc box set around Christmas 2009.

M: Here's the big question regarding Eurovision: Why Scooch, when there are so many younger, prettier, more relevant starlets they could have plugged into the prefab equation? Or did they dent the culture more significantly than I imagined back in 2000?

JD: I actually feel like Scooch never stood out seven years ago because they were just a cheap copy of Steps in an already over-saturated market of better bubblegum groups. But now they sound downright revolutionary, since there's nothing else around that's pure pop at the moment. But, to answer your question, most acts probably feel they'd be tainting their credible legacy by slumming at Eurovision. God, Lolly can be such a snob.

M: Well, once you go acoustic, it's hard to turn back.

JD: I remember hearing somewhere Natalie Powers actually secretly did the main vocals on "The Fast Food Song."

M: I heard that, too. Now, Fast Food Rockers -- there's a group I wouldn't be surprised to see doing Eurovision. They must be steamed that they were passed over.

JD: FFR's usual fee of a warm bed and a box of thin mints would be a bit steep for any producer to take on. Getting Scooch was probably like finding a Van Gogh at a swap meet.

M: Plus, I think I read that Scooch will do their own hair and makeup.

JD: Oh, yeah...David probably has his own Caboodle case and does all their hair and makeup.

M: Is Mike Stock behind "Flying The Flag"?

JD: No, the blond guy, Russ Spencer, wrote it with Morten Schjolin, Andrew Hill and Paul Tarry. Last I heard, Mike Stock was briefly whoring his reputation to some star-maker scheme called IShouldBeSoLucky.com, where young hopefuls pay a fee and get insider advice from "real professionals." His name was curiously removed from the site a few months after it went up.

M: Wow. Just when you think the former members of S/A/W can't sink any lower (see: The Fat Cowboy), they manage to pull one out and surprise you. Well, Scooch have created a storm over at the Pop Justice forum...

JD: Oh, did I ever tell you I've finally been un-banned from that place? I must be losing my edge. I originally got booted for arguing with some guy we'll call "Jerkland" about Christina Aguilera. He was going on about how superior her crappy flop double-CD was going to be, and I told him she was a dried-out tuna funnel.

M: When the Scooch news broke, Jerkland started a thread entitled What Pop Should Be About, then proceeded to declare earnestly, "I have a talent for getting reactions out of people! It's going to help in the long run for me." It was so pompous! But not entirely out of character for him, or the site in general.

JD: I always liked Pop Justice until the brief one- or two-week period I stepped into the forum and looked into the eyes of a hundred dark, bitter souls who I imagine sit around in their pajamas furiously typing about Cheryl Tweedy's secret solo career plans with one finger, while chain-smoking with the other four. Then the mailman comes and brings them their unemployment check, but they're too busy arguing with each other endlessly in a thread about Mutya's new bangs to go cash it.

M: You've made them sound far too interesting. The ongoing backbiting and gang fighting over Rachel Stevens is really something to behold. And then there are the ones who seem like they just read about Andy Warhol in their sophomore art class and babble on for pages about how important this or that pop record is. Ah, to relive those days when you were too young to know you're trite....

JD: Poor Mr. PJ really doesn't have control over the denizens of that forum who bubble and writhe like bloodthirsty piranha in the depths of the Amazon, and I can't blame him personally for me getting banned. Forums take on a life of their own, and maybe he feels like Dr. Moreau, waiting for pop justice to eat itself.

M: The site now seems to have an aversion to anything that isn't edgy. And really, that's fine. But they frequently remind me of my punk-loving older brother writing "STACEY Q SUCKS" on a piece of masking tape and sticking it to the back of my jacket in junior high. Know what I mean?

JD: It really is a massive ball of pointless, negative energy for anything that isn't Amy Winehouse. Where's the justice in that?

M: In Amy's publicist's bank account?

JD: Oh, well. Scooch will always have a home here...albeit one where they get slapped around a little if they don't eat all their vegetables.

M: Yes, Chart Rigger is the Ellis Island of discarded pop survivors. But in the end, what happened to PJ could happen to CR. Thank goodness we have our regular fans and commentors to keep us grounded.

JD: Indeed. Wait...which one of us is the fan and which one is the commentor?

"Flying The Flag (For You)" is available in most territories on iTunes.