dispatches from the pop scene...minus the corn syrup.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Banterview: So, About This New Direction You're Going In, Kelly Clarkson -- Never Again!

Since you been gone, Kelly Clarkson, you sound like you've become one angry broad. Pop sleuths J'ason and MoogaBoo set out to discover why!

J'ASON D'LUV: I can't believe "Never Again" was even considered a choice for a single, or that anyone at the label thought it would be a hit. Where does Kelly Clarkson think this is -- Japan?

MOOGABOO: Oh, babe. Don't insult Japan. Ayumi Hamasaki could break Kelly Clarkson in half. The fact is, she's sounding incrementally more miserable as each single goes by. Cheer up, Charlie. You've got Clive Davis by the balls. That's something to sing about!

JD: Don't be so hasty in thinking Clive's got Kelly's back. Those scrapped album rumors didn't start out of nowhere! My guess is that when he heard the final version of My December, he spit his dentures out and his Jurassic turnip spontaneously combusted into mulch. Hopefully they still make Viagra for age corpse.

M: Maybe she sees a hole in the Alanis Morissette market and she's trying to fill it?

JD: Yeah, we get it, Kelly. You got dumped. But was it really worth pissing on all the Breakaway goodwill? Hopefully she got custody of the pug after the whole affair...or at least a classy STD.

It might be too late for her. Like Alanis, she's squandering the opportunity to be truly mega fairly early in her career. Learn from Alanis, Kelly! Keep away from India and do not put notes from your therapist into your next single.

And these "trophy wife" and "think of me when you're in bed with her" lyrics? I hope Alanis Morissette untangles herself from the Sleeping Tortoise position, climbs down from whatever mountain she's spaced out on and shoves her yoga mat up Kelly's ass.

You can tell she thinks she has gravitas now -- getting indie legend Mike Watt to play on her album and writing all these bitter songs about her lousy childhood and her ex-boyfriend who ditched her because she got fat.

JD: I suppose we should just be happy that "Never Again" doesn't have the ubiquitous Akon cameo on it -- which probably explains why it only spent one week in the Top 10. But you knew Kelly was in trouble when she went slumming on that American Idol special the other week. That's like if Madonna were to barter her soul and hire Hip-hop producers to work on her next album. Oh, wait...

Kelly has one of your more common Hollywood problems; she's afraid to be loved for what people actually love her for, i.e., putting out hit tunes that folks enjoy. It's very Kylie, before she got dropped from DeConstruction and had to go back to her roots. So maybe there's hope.

Yes, it'd be sad to think she peaked last summer when she was YouTubed blitzed out of her gourd with that tool from Sum 41, screeching Def Leppard chestnuts on stage at Metal Skool.

M: That's a nice thought -- to think she peaked after "Since U Been Gone." But let's face it, she'll never find that recipe again.

JD: I wouldn't say My December is dead in the water. Maybe they're simply saving the best songs for later singles. Truthfully, Kelly Clarkson could crack walnuts open with her jugs in front of a microphone for 45 minutes, and it's still gonna sound better than Ashlee Simpson's next flop.

M: Do not even say that name. Betrayed is how I feel.

JD: Eh?

M: It's just that I used to be able to relate to Ashlee when she had the big schnozz and the chin and the witchy clothing. Now she looks like a stranger to me. It's only a matter of time before she's squeezing her boobs on the cover of some men's magazine. Although, I guess I can relate to that, too.

JD: I'm really sorry for your loss.

M: You know who I do like? Avril Lavigne. "Girlfriend" is such a firecracker.

JD: That one's really handclapped its way into my heart, too. Plus, you know I'm a whore for any good pop song that goes to #1. Thank God that'll never happen with Trashlee Simpson.

M: True, Avril was absent for a while there. But then she wised up, bought some hits and -- voila! Paycheck.

JD: And it all comes full circle. Avril's now working with Kelly's old producer, Dr. Luke, while Kelly's shilling gloomy dirges. In the meantime, Avril's completely taken her place at the top.

M: "Girlfriend" is like a perfect mash-up of "My Boyfriend's Back" and "Johnny, Are You Queer?" And I love that it's made by a married woman who seems to be regressing back to her first album.

JD: I wonder if she sits around at home knitting sweaters and hosting Tupperware parties, maybe occasionally catering to the needs of Deryck's whibley once every month or so?

M: I did see Jenny McCarthy on TV the other day saying married ladies have to do suprise oral sometimes to get their husbands to fix screen doors and stuff.

JD: God, Jenny's such a trooper. I just bribe mine with new Fiesta ware.

M: Well, Avril can surely afford to hire a handyman now.

JD: Do you mean that in a naughty way? Because Avril strikes me as the type who's probably nailed the DHL delivery guy at least twice.

M: DHL? I never did like their cover of "Listen To Your Heart."

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  • At 11:09 AM, Blogger Robpop said…

    Your banterviews are becoming more and more ravishing.

  • At 12:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I think you mean DHT... I've never heard of DHL...

  • At 1:03 PM, Blogger J'ason D'luv said…

    Lil' play on words:



  • At 3:14 PM, Blogger mobius said…

    He he... I love it when Moogaboo says something absurd to close the banterview!

    Kelly can always try to become a new Sheila!

  • At 4:01 PM, Blogger PinkieDust said…

    I am still smartin over your bulge. I think it should have its own banterview done to it.

  • At 10:54 PM, Blogger xolondon said…


    Anyway, Avril and Kelly are posers next to the real queen, who has never looked so good (not the dress though) or sounded so truly amazing. See her a few posts down.

  • At 12:21 AM, Blogger Paul said…

    i'm glad i'm not the only one who doesn't get Kelly. well maybe you get her a little too well :P I've never been a huge fan, but hey i too love Avril's song (must try and video dazpants dancing around in his underpants doing perfect timed dancemoves)...

  • At 5:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    this is retarded. kelly rocks and avril is such a sell-out. if people want to listen to the crap thats on the radio today, aka "girlfriend" and "umbrella", be my guest, but if you want to hear about reality and truth listen to kelly. this blog gets two big thumbs down!

  • At 6:07 AM, Blogger 123 123 said…

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