Our 2nd Annual MTV VMAs Banterview...Or Thank God For Fast Forward

Oh, Britney. The Cheetos bag has crumbled. Really, you gotta love how she didn't even bother frontin' with a microphone for her comeback....or, from the looks of things, a gym membership for the past year.


The real performances of the night were Chris Brown and Rihanna, then Rihanna with Fall Out Boy. Or at least it looked like it on fast forward. I mean, you didn't actually think we were gonna watch this trash past Britney, did you?

J'ASON D'LUV: Gosh, Britney Spears' performance is a shame, because her background dancers look really great.

MOOGABOO: Yeah. I like when the hunks drag the broads across the stage at one point. Classy. On the bright side, Rihanna will be sleeping a lot easier tonight.

JD: Britney's not even lip-syncing very well. Did she forget the lyrics?

M: And what happened to the much-hyped Criss Angel special effects show, I wonder? They must have broken up just before airtime. Apparently Britney partied the weekend away with Paris Hilton, 50 Cent and P. Diddy instead of rehearsing. So that was a good plan.

JD: How about Nicole Scherzinger's pre-show performance on the red carpet? That's one Pussycat that needs to be put down.

M: I'm sure Nicole's real performance was after the show in a hotel suite full of industry execs looking to collect on her 6.5 minutes of fame.

JD: So her mouth is good at something, then?

M: Someone at the PJ forum actually had the nerve to say, "That dumb pageant girl -- Miss South Carolina or whoever -- doesn't belong at the VMAs." That's so funny, because I think she should be narrating them.

JD: Clearly that Eurowanker doesn't understand the notion that America loves to foist its cornfed bimbos onto a pedestal. Speaking of which, I really hope Hillary Clinton wins the election next year.

M: Oh, Babe, even Hilary is too classy to show up to the VMAs. And I'm talking about the Duff.

JD: Yeesh. MTV VJ John Norris is looking like a corpse with blond highlights anymore. If only Britney looked this good.

M: I hear Alicia Keyes does a snazzy rendition of George Michael's "Freedom." I don't know if it's the original Wham! version of "Freedom 90." Either way, screw her.

JD: What, was the arrangement for "Last Christmas" was too hard to figure out?

M: Oh, look...Jennifer Garner. There's rock royalty.

JD: You know, this whole Kanye West/50 Cent feud...maybe if they bumped off Kanye and injected his personality into 50 --

M: He'd be the black Perez Hilton. Maybe if they just removed the last remaining fragments of 50's brain and replaced them with a microchip DVD of Beautiful Thing...

JD: Then if 50 bent over and let John Norris fiddle around in his candy shop...

M: Oh, did you hear? The full version of Madonna's "Candy Shop" just floated into cyberspace...and no one could hear me scream. Do you think she'll ever tire of putting the word "dancefloor" into her songs?

JD: It's probably been at least 18 years since Madge was anywhere near a dancefloor. The closest that broad gets to a strobe light is when she orders Guy Ritchie to shine the lamp through her bifocals so she can thumb through Readers Digest while waiting for the Nyquil to kick in.

M: I think you mean formaldehyde.

JD: How have Panic! At The Disco not gotten beaten up and dropped by their label yet?

M: For the same reason Paris Hilton still manages to get screen time. Something to do with blowjobs.

JD: You're probably right. Getting Timbaland to do your next album doesn't come for free, after all.

M: I think Timbaland comes free.

JD: So back to Britney -- I wonder if she actually knew she was performing there, or if she just stumbled in from a nearby strip joint that she took the kids to dinner at, thinking the VMAs were the restroom?

M: Honestly, you know after the Britney performance/blow-up/let-down, everyone tuned out. Not just the viewers at home, but everyone in the "live" audience and everyone behind the cameras and in the control room. Everyone. It's over.

JD: So true. In fact, why are we even zipping through this trash when there's a hot rerun of Home Improvement on Nick At Night?

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