dispatches from the pop scene...minus the corn syrup.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Alicia Keys: The Most Boring Pop Star Ever

Sorry, you 712,000 people that ran out and bought As I Am last week, but Alicia Keys has to be dullest broad in the pop game these days.

Look, I'm sure she's a very nice lady. But where's the personality? Where's the sexy? What's the appeal? Is it the hair? The pleather? She's somehow had four albums that all debuted at #1, yet can anyone actually think of three Alicia Keys songs? If it wasn't for American Idol auditions each year, would you even remember her cloying, overwrought dirge "Falling" existed?

Basically Alicia Keys is just another case of Clive Davis using his ancient voodoo and buckets of Whitney Houston blood cash to bully an impressionable public into thinking they need to hear her stale piano standards warbling out of their iPods.

And so it was inevitable that the soul robot's latest single, "No One," would end up on top of Billboard's Hot 100 the same week her album debuted at #1, as well. After all, she really switched it up this time; "No One" almost has something resembling a beat. Look out -- Alicia's gettin' crazy, y'all!

Sure, baby, tell us what a cold world it is. And who taught her how to do one-note synthesizer posturing in her videos? A Flock Of Seagulls?

Don't give in to Alicia Keys and her Stepford pop, folks! If you look deep into her eyes, there's really nothing staring back but deep pools of Clive's chowder. Out there is other, more poignant music with actual feeling and heartfelt passion to it. I mean, Fergie's got another single in the Top 10.

Elsewhere, on the album chart, there are a few notable entries this week: The Killers at #12 with Sawdust, Seal at #35 with System and Duran Duran at #36 with Red Carpet Massacre.

The U.S. Top 10:

1. "No One" - Alicia Keys *1 week* *airplay/sales gainer*
2. "Kiss Kiss" - Chris Brown feat. T-Pain
3. "Apologize" - Timbaland feat. OneRepublic
4. "Low" - Flo Rida feat. T-Pain
5. "Bubbly" - Colbie Caillat
6. "Crank That (Soulja Boy)" - Soulja Boy
7. "Good Life" - Kanye West feat. T-Pain
8. "Clumsy" - Fergie
9. "Cyclone" - Baby Bash feat. T-Pain
10. "Stronger" - Kanye West

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