dispatches from the pop scene...minus the corn syrup.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Sorry, Bandwagon, But Juno Can Kiss My Butt

In a piss-poor sales week due to lack of new releases (though, any week during the past year or two has been piss-poor for the music biz) Billboard reports that the Juno soundtrack has jumped up from #8 to #3 on the Top 200 Albums chart. But I really can't just sit by anymore and keep quiet while this whole Juno orgy goes down.

First of all, I saw a screener DVD of the movie and fell asleep on the couch sometime around when Juno said she wasn't interested in banging the twice-her-age character played by Jason Bateman after she spent the entire film leading him on. What the hell!? That was the only reason I stayed awake that far into the movie -- I thought maybe I'd finally get to see David Hogan strip off!

So I don't know what happens after that. I'm told Jennifer Garner and Jason Bateman -- the couple who plan on adopting Juno's baby -- split up, Juno pops out the kid and gives it to Jennifer Garner anyway. Great.

My whole problem with the plausibility of all the Juno fanfare is that I sat there the entire time thinking, What an unlikeable main character. She's a bitch to everyone around her, and NOBODY in the real world talks in the too-self-aware, smarmy, pop-culture-riddled lingo Juno speaks in . The only places you hear that kind of douchebaggery is on Dawson's Creek and in the Scream movies. And Tarantino films. All of which, this Diablo Cody chick that wrote the screenplay and everyone's wetting themselves over now that she has an Entertainment Weekly column must have O.D.'d on over the past decade.

If there's a sweet or relateable side to Juno, one that would explain why her best friend endures the sarcasm or why anyone would tolerate her the two minutes it took to impregnate her, she must have shown it those last 10 minutes I missed.

If Juno is a sympathetic character, it was somehow lost on me. And sitting there and watching an angry teen whine for an hour and a half and blaming her problems on the rest of the world is not good entertainment.

Or, apparently, it is. The film has made $73 million so far. The soundtrack is at #3. So what the hell do I know?

There is, however, a "Why I Hate Juno" message thread on RottenTomatoes.com. That gives me some comfort. I'd check it out, but you have to set up an account with a username and password to access it, and frankly, I don't have time -- I gotta go watch High School Musical.

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