dispatches from the pop scene...minus the corn syrup.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

The Two Really Big, Perky Reasons Cascada Made It In America

Look, I get it. The gay kids of America need Cascada. They're kind of like this generation's Real McCoy or Ace Of Base. Okay, that' s maybe stretching it... let's go with 2 Unlimited. And, hey, I was right there cheering on "Everytime We Touch" when it became a surprising Top 10 U.S. hit two years ago. But then the full album came out and every single song had the same bells and the same beat and basically sounded like chopped-out parts from an extended version of "Everytime We Touch."

It's like their big hit caught them off guard and the label put the screws to them to record an album with a forced one-week time limit. So, anyway, along comes this cover of "What Hurts The Most" in November, a chestnut that, via the Rascal Flatts version, made my Best Pop Tunes Of 2006 list.

A hit in Europe? That was a no-brainer. A hit in the States? Sorry, Cascada, but drum machines make farm hicks dizzy.

Wrong! That shit's been climbing the iTunes download chart like a hooker scaling a flag pole with ten dollar bills Scotch-taped to the top. And if you've never read the furiously passionate comments posted by Cascada fans on iTunes, it's a hoot. They're like Claymates with glow sticks.

At this point, I'm chalking up Cascada's American crossover appeal to Natalie Horler's boobs. A curvy Euro-ho with hot knockers and a ripped shirt is always gonna win. Just ask Samantha Fox. Plus, the heavy eye makeup and flannel really secure the U.S. white trash consumer base.

The German marketing team behind this act really learned from the mistakes of Eurodance artists gone by. Yes, the gays will come-a-calling, but you also gotta sell it to Middle America. Amber in a trench coat just doesn't cut it these days.

So, yeah, I finally gave in and love "What Hurts The Most." I can't help it -- her fried blonde-on-black weave really appeals to my Pennsylvania roots.

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