dispatches from the pop scene...minus the corn syrup.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Jack Johnson Makes Me Want To Kill Myself

Stare! Stare into the face of boredom. You're getting sleepy. Very sleepy...

If Jack Johnson's hair got any shorter and his songs were a bit faster (i.e., actually had a beat), he could almost pass for kd lang. Here's a guy who looks like he used to get high and bang tons of broads in his dirty, squalid room at the frathouse, and who now writes coffeehouse snoozerock even more boring than Colbie Caillat and Plain White Ts.

He probably thanks Jesus every day that Jerry Garcia kicked the bucket and Phish retired, so he could jiggle his whammy bar and wow their aging slacker fanbase. (Actually, picturing that is making me hot.)

This is all just arbitrary, of course, and I'm sure Jack's a really nice guy. Like, he'd probably lend you a fiver if you were jonesin' for a pack of Cloves at Bonnaroo. And, hey, he must be doing something right --he's had the #1 album for two weeks in a row. Keep on rockin' in the free world.

Labels: ,

27 Comments:

  • At 11:45 AM, Blogger Jump! said…

    Rolling Stone magazine has to be the most pretentious waste of paper, catering to a group of fans who now go to Wal-Mart for their eagles cds when they used to hate corporate America. Of the 5 articles featured on the cover 3 are more political than music focused.

    Anyhow, Jack Johnson is boring as is most of the music out right now. I haven't bought a cd in months and havent even downloaded anything either. I guess its back to making vids for xtube.

     
  • At 12:29 PM, Blogger D'luv said…

    Awesome! Mom and I both got lots of enjoyment out of your last one , foxxy!

     
  • At 2:18 PM, Anonymous John from PA said…

    Where the hell is that unexpected "wave" when you really need it!!!

     
  • At 2:37 PM, Anonymous dirty hands, I demand! said…

    I think he's cute. With a bangable mouth like that, who cares what kind of music he makes?

    *putting on broad-at-frat-house costume and ringing jack's doorbell*

     
  • At 3:46 PM, Blogger MrBrady said…

    Has he been banging Leslie Nielsen's wife? It didn't work out to well for Ted Danson...

     
  • At 4:13 PM, Blogger Moogaboo said…

    Very nice, Mr. Brady. Is that camp or kitsch?

     
  • At 4:41 PM, Blogger duanemoody.com said…

    I really LOLed at that title, because I couldn't agree more. Gah, get him off the radio! If I hear that when I am driving, I might fall asleep and crash! Not cool!

     
  • At 10:44 AM, Blogger MrBrady said…

    I WANT MY CAKE!!

     
  • At 11:05 AM, Blogger D'luv said…

    Brady, there's also a crate just off camera.

    John from PA, yes, something to tide you over....

    DHIDdy, of course you do, luv.

    DMoody, if you LOLed and ROFed at the same time, my work will be done.

     
  • At 11:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    To bad the tide didn't roll in before they dug him out .

     
  • At 4:08 PM, Blogger xolondon said…

    Love the People Who Suck tag! Do you think Jack has a team that is trying to make him into the new Dave Matthews?

     
  • At 12:49 AM, Blogger nickydee said…

    You guys may not dig his music but you dont gotta talk trash about his music and what hes got.. if any of you had a life in which you didnt care what haters thought and you were just happy taking it easy and enjoying life then you might be half the man jack is...

     
  • At 4:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Wow.. Rolling Stone finally gives Jack Johnson the cover that he DESERVES after ripping his music for his first 3 CDs. As for "Jack Johnson Makes Me Want To Kill Myself".. Really? Jack Johnson has done more than most people can dream of. He has filmed several successful surf videos, he was the youngest person to ever surf Pipe Masters, he has put out several successful albums, and constantly contributes to greater causes such as ecologically friendly organizations. Johnson also helped raise over 100 thousand dollars for Hurricane Katrina relief. I don't know any of you personally, but if you think that Jack Johnson is really that bad then you really have poor character. Congratulations Jack Johnson, you deserve all of your successes.

     
  • At 5:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Crap like this is why I like Jack Johnson so much. It amazes me that someone with a good outlook on life and an overall cheerful soul can still exist.

    Most people are too busy ranting and bitching about everything they hate about the world, yet lack the drive or enthusiasm to actually do something about it.

    What a crappy blog, I hope to never end up here again...

     
  • At 2:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I gotta agree with the last few posters here. Jack doesn't seem like such a bad guy, and seems to do a good amount of charity work and giving back to the community. If you don't like his music that's fine, as it's really a matter of personal taste. But why rag on the guy's character? It would be like me ragging on your personal character because you're not a fan of his music. It wouldn't make much sense for me to do that, and guess what, you didn't make much sense by attacking him either.

     
  • At 10:54 PM, Blogger Hippiephun said…

    Everyone has different choices of music......but you don't see everyone going around making fun of and putting down the music they aren't into do you? It just shows pure self esteem problems, maturity level, and jealousy. Of course I like JJ, Phish, and J. Garcia....all you haters who don't like them....don't even come close to adding up to their talent and how they affect(ed) people in a positive way!

     
  • At 3:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Jack Johnson Rocks! who cares about how great or how bad his music is...He has a great attitude towards life and having a good time. He's done A LOT of charity work to make a change in less fortunate communities around the world. His lyrics give a different look on our world today that promote such peace with eachother and nature. Keep it up Jack! Much Appreciation.

     
  • At 1:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I saw the title bout wantin ta kill yourself an I thought WHAT? I mean it's jack Johnson his songs get me through life his songs are so happy . And frankly I read your article an wanted to beat the sh- outa you but then I realized .. Wait that would make me hypocritical an full of crap I mean here's a guy who likes hippy/happy music but extremely violent. But I completely disagree with you an think your a little hard on him he's definitely not a perv an has music video with Andy Samberg I mean come on pretty awesome but I probably don't like whatever metalica or whatever kinda music you like so I respect your opinion.

     
  • At 6:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Nevermind the pretentious and gratuitous use of prose and focus on how the writer gets angry over that which he can simply avoid interacting with. If you don't like him, don't listen to him; he's not going to disappear because one person is not endeared to his music.

     
  • At 3:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    pssst hey rolling stone...
    go f* yourself

     
  • At 4:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Screw you guys who don't like Jack Johnson. He's a great singer/song writer/guitarist. If you don't like him, don't listen to him. Problem solved.



    && he's super hot! ;)

     
  • At 6:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    How about you haters actually listen to his music- he actually has something to sing about besides sex and gettin' krunk. 20 years from now Jack Johnson will still be in good spirits and playing shows while everybody else on today's pop scene will be washed up trying to get a hand on some douche bag reality show so people can remember who they are.

     
  • At 9:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    jackjohnson makes relaxing chill music, if he's not making what your looking for go listen to something else. Definitely a lot better than most other music heard on the radio these days.

     
  • At 6:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    jack johnson doesnt make me want to kill myself, its more other way round, his music and his whole attitude supports me when ever i think i cant go on.
    jack johnson makes me live more cheerful.

     
  • At 5:39 AM, Anonymous Aloysius said…

    Well, I don't really suppose this is likely to have effect.
    secretary sex video | find zip code | weather in Ireland

     
  • At 9:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    how is it physically possible to hate Jack Johnson? if you want to kill yourself over his "boring" music you have a lot bigger issues to worry about.

     
  • At 10:29 PM, Blogger Van Willow said…

    Jack Johnson stands for everything that is right with the world. The reason you want to kill your self is because you are an ignorant unimportant idiot.

     

Post a Comment

<< Home