dispatches from the pop scene...minus the corn syrup.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Yes, Clay Aiken Is Gay...But Remember When Chart Rigger First Bent Him Over?

Now that Clay Aiken has opened up about being a lesbian, it's time to revisit this treasure from two year's ago...the Clay Aiken banterview!

Previously posted on September 18, 2006:

A promo of the new Clay Aiken CD, A Thousand Different Ways, arrived in the mail last week with a fey thud and little fanfare. D'luv and MoogaBoo sat down on Friday for an emergency banterview session.

J'ASON D'LUV: You know, I voted for Clay -- repeatedly -- during the final weeks of American Idol in 2003. I now live with the daily shame that every loser who voted for George W. Bush must feel.

MOOGABOO: Oh, babe. Don't remind the public. We're still reeling over JoJogate!

JD: Seriously, listening to this CD is like hearing the soundtrack that must play during a long, painful elevator ride to Hell.

M: Well, let's put it this way... you know how we've been friends for 11 years, and how I've been in awe at all the nice stuff you've done for me in that time...

JD: Are you sure you don't have me confused with someone else?

M: ...well, F that! You owe me bigtime. I listened to this entire album today in preparation for this discussion. In all seriousness, if Clay sounded more womanly here, it would be a good thing. It's that he only sounds half-womanly that I can't get into him.

JD: I actually listened to this while driving around in the rain yesterday, and I prayed for a hydroplaning disaster to end the torture, one way or another.

M: But you know, one thing I'll give ValleyPrettyBoy. At least he changed up the arrangement on that Richard Marx "classic," and made it a little bit his own.

JD: Well, the melancholy guitar riff on "Right Here Waiting" starts out kind of decent. But then a.) it's "Right Here Waiting," and 4.) Clay Aiken is singing it. Shouldn't he be cashing in at this point? There's no denying Clay can move CDs off the shelves. Where's the Timabaland vanity rap? The Scott Storch police-siren dance jam?

M: I think that would cause Claymates to desert him faster than Lindsay Lohan ditching an AA meeting.

JD: Thank God the official single is "Without You," because we all know that song hasn't been covered enough. And there's even a ringtone you can download.

M: Two Celine Dion covers on one album, more or less, is a bit extreme, even for someone as continually avant garde and provocative as Clay Aiken.

JD: Why hasn't Crazy Frog covered this one yet?

M: Even Crazy Frog probably thinks "Without You" is tired at this point.

JD: I hate when Clay hits that upper octave in the chorus. He does that thing with his voice where it sounds like a pterodactyl just rammed its beak up his ass.

M: You mean the faux-emotion waver?

JD: More like fax-emotion. In fact, I think he faxed the "soul" in to the studio for this whole thing.

M: Even judging Clay objectively, on his own terms and in the context of easy-listening crooners throughout the ages, I still think he falls way short of the greats.

JD: There's no doubt about that. Even luminaries such as Barry Manilow and Elton John knew enough to do a fast-paced rocker or disco number now and then, to also hook the more commercial listener.

M: Clay somehow seems above expressing any emotion, when he should by all means be over-emoting. At least a little. Being loud, which he can do well, is not the same thing. There's gotta be gigantic sweat beads on a gnarled, grimacing face for the housewives' panties to really fully drop.

JD: Hey, what about him doing "Everytime You Go Away"? I bet when Daryl Hall heard this he dropped dead right on top of John Oates.

M: I read somewhere that Clay hires lookalikes to do appearances at malls and such, just like Andy Warhol.

JD: Speaking of which, Clay's wig is looking strangely like Paul Reubens', circa his appearance in the gritty 2001 Johnny Depp crime drama Blow. See?

M: Freaky. Now show me a picture of Paul Reubens. Actually, I was thinking his wig looks more like the cover of Helen Reddy's Greatest Hits 8-track.

JD: Christ, this CD just goes on and on. His voice really is an instrument of pure evil.

M: Don't they use his music as confession bait at Guantanamo? You know, despite production from a very able team of Swedes, somehow the actual music on A Thousand Different Ways seems beside the point.

JD: I'm surprised at how many producers bent over to get a shot at producing this compost pile. Most shocking is Per Magnusson and Dave Kreuger, who gave us Britney Spears' "Sometimes." Here, they're reduced to knob-twiddling a watered-down version of "Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word."

M: Knob-twidding? Bent over? Are you reading the liner notes again?

JD: Funny you should mention the liner notes, because in them Clay writes this: "To my miracle workers," which he rattles off a bunch of names, "who along with their jackhammers, blowtorches and heavy machinery had the unenviable task of making me look presentable." It's obvious Clay's been watching way too much gay porn lately.

M: He's got a Falcon construction worker fantasy going on there.

JD: So, this brings us to the cover of the Bad English ballad, "When I See You Smile." I used to date this girl back in 10th grade who declared that this was "our song." I've hated it ever since. And by "date," I mean we passed notes during History class. Which base is that again?

M: That's technically still in the dug-out.

JD: Dammit.

M: That song reminds me of getting a three-year subscription to Rolling Stone and not seeing Madonna, Cyndi Lauper or Samantha Fox on that cover once during those three years.

JD: Despite the goopy muck of standards done here, there are also two orignal songs written for this album -- one of which is penned by Aldo Nova. Let's not forget that he wrote Clay's #1 American Idol-finale hit, "This Is The Night."

M: No, let's forget. Didn't Aldo Nova have a solo career at some point? Or am I thinking of Del Amitri? God, Clay should hook up with those guys. "Roll To Me" is in every movie trailer.

JD: He did indeed have a solo career. My mom used to have one of his 45s when I was a kid. I forget what the song was called, but she would certainly cut me out of the will if she knew I was using my college education to write dissections of Clay Aiken albums.

M: Am I the only one who thinks Clay might be taking the tiniest of baby steps "outward" with this album? I'm of course referring to his not-terrible cover of Dolly Parton's '70s hit, "Here You Come Again."

JD: Well, he did call it A Thousand Different Ways. Wasn't that what John Paulus' response was when he went on Howard Stern's show and was asked to describe the Yuletide hotel romp he had with Clay?

M: It might also refer to John Paulus' many attempts to keep his name in the press. I actually feel for Clay in that situation.

JD: Did you see that clip from the American Idol finale last season, when he walked out and surprised that ClayTrinket singing "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me"? It's like everyone in the world was in on the joke but the two of them.

M: And he seemed so arrogant! He looked at that Clay dweebling with such an air of "Yes, it's really me, my child." I feel bad that there are people severely retarded enough that they want to be Clay... and that includes Clay!

JD: It was like when Michael Jackson performed at The Brits in '96, saving international children on the stage from a Biblical doom. Only this time Jarvis Cocker wasn't there to ambush the show and make his ass sing along.

M: I wonder if that one made it onto the HiStory DVD?

JD: I can guarantee neither of us will ever know.

M: The more this CD plays, I find myself liking Clay, wanting to hear certain songs again and suddenly feeling very protective of him. Please help me.

JD: I personally think it's pretty cheap to make the Claymates wait with drenched knickers for three years for a lame album of cover versions. I hope there's an outraged revolt on Planet Dork when it comes out.

M: But these covers are just lame enough to please Planet Dork, don't you think? I mean, "Broken Wings"... great song, probably too edgy for your average Claymate, so they removed all synths and added a whispery female vocal (aside from Clay's) and made it as soft as a bag of Charmin. These people know to whom they're selling.

JD: I like how this female vocalist is trying to talk-sing, ala Madonna in "Justify My Love."

M: Yeah, but she doesn't sound mysterious or sexy... just lost. I half expect her to whisper, "Do you know if the restrooms are on this floor?"

JD: And Clay knows where every public restroom within a 10-mile radius is, I suspect.

For more of Chart Rigger's banterviews, scroll through the menu bar in the right-hand side column.

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  • At 5:47 AM, Blogger Paul said…

    Oh. My. God. Clay is Gay. And for pay - people mag must've offered to keep him in lesbian dungarees for years :) I'm sure you will now get hundreds of comments from people who "dissed" you when you first suggested it, apologising for their lack of foresight. I mean really, how could they not know!? Helen Keller probably knew!!

    Anyway i sat chortling immensely over your "yes it's really me child" line from his Idol appearance all over again... Surely you can record that and sell it to an Easter card company - Jesus Has Risen "yes it's really me child" vocals from MoogaD'Luv...

  • At 9:51 AM, Blogger Brad said…

    The commentary here was absolutely mind blowingly amazing. I love you so much.

  • At 10:13 AM, Anonymous shanaynay lachild said…

    clay parenting is da wave of da future. he got da baby mamma haircut and he the baby daddy togther.

    parenting is tough. i wish her da best.

    its gonna be hard telling the pacifiers and butt plugs apart.

  • At 11:27 AM, Anonymous My Name Is Dita said…

    I was the first one to reveal this to all Chartriggers and I don't even get a credit?

    So not deee-lovely. :P

  • At 1:45 PM, Blogger D'luv said…

    While I did know about Clay earlier in the day, it 'twas MNID's comment late last night that prompted me to do this post then, rather than waiting till today.

    I humbly bow down to Dita...she'll be my mistress this evening.

  • At 4:51 PM, Anonymous Dan said…

    hahaha i laughed at this alot!
    hated clay from word go, so yay me haha.

    glad rueben one that year.

  • At 5:27 PM, Anonymous My Name Is Dita said…

    If I'm in charge and I treat you like a child, will you let yourself go wild? Let my mouth go where it wants to.

    I've penciled you in for 7:00PM. Pacific Standard Time.

  • At 7:42 PM, Blogger John said…

    You mean, there was a time I didn't read Chart Rigger? Oh, how I've wasted so many years. At least now I've come to my senses.

    Can you pass the blow?


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