dispatches from the pop scene...minus the corn syrup.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Hallelujah! 'The X Factor' Slides Down Your Chimney And F***s Your Christmas Once Again!

Right. To understand the whole "Hallelujah"/Alexandra Burke/Jeff Buckley nonsense, read this and this. Enjoy your new, totally unsurprising Christmas #1 single, United Kingdom.

What I'd like to know is how Geraldine McQueen's "Once Upon A Christmas Song" (written by Take That's Gary Barlow and Geraldine's alter ego, Peter Kay) didn't make it to the top. Of course, I'm still perplexed by how the Fast Food Rockers' "I Love Christmas" not only peaked at a dismal #25 five years ago, but dropped a piano from the top of a 12-story building onto the cheesy pop trio's career.

Watch "Once Upon A Christmas Song" and "I Love Christmas":

For us pop fans, "I Love Christmas" was a landmark defeat. A victory snatched from our warm hearts. A doom-laden pall of despair heaped upon the Christmas holiday like a dumptruck full of dead hookers backing over a small child on a tricycle, over and over and over again.

But we swore, never again! We'd come back and achieve glory! We'd ensure that pop would reclaim its rightful place at the top of the festive chart each year! And, wow-wow-WOW! Look how great we did!

Halle-fucking-lujah, Great Britain! You've got The X Factor!

Things could always be worse, however—or in Boyzone's case, "Better." Their latest single of that title peaked at #22 last week on the U.K. chart, and this week drops to #30.

Any sugar plum fairy visions the aging boy band had of patterning a Take That-style comeback might best be dashed from the 'Zone's heads at this point.

The U.K. Top 10:

1. "Hallelujah" - Alexandra Burke *new* *1 week*
2. "Hallelujah" - Jeff Buckley *new*
3. "Run" - Leona Lewis
4. "If I Were A Boy" - Beyoncé
5. "Once Upon A Christmas Song" - Geraldine *new*
6. "Broken Strings" - James Morrison feat. Nelly Furtado
7. "Use Somebody" - Kings Of Leon
8. "Listen" - Beyoncé
9. "Greatest Day" - Take That
10. "Womanizer'" - Britney Spears

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  • At 4:39 PM, Blogger Paul said…

    I did include in your honour, and because it's amazing, Fast Food Rockers in my 9 amazing pop christmas songs. I wept when you didn't comment :P

    And fuck! Hallelujah is number one? I totally didn't see that coming?! What an amazing and wonderful Christmas miracle. Oh i bet the bookies had to pay out a fortune. All sarcasm aside, wouldn't it be lovely if next year some ace pop record beat the x factor winner's song to the top because it was just that - an ace pop record?

    I feel i should end this by telling you how sexy you've been this year, but you already knew that! Hugs, and you know if you ever come to britain there's a threesome in birmingham with your name on :) Merry Christmas DUDE!

  • At 12:51 AM, Blogger John said…

    Bleh. That is one hot mess of a top 10 right there. And a hot tranny mess at that. Isn't it time for a new Cliff Richard song, anyway?

  • At 12:56 AM, Blogger Jump! said…

    D'luv, did you ever think that the Fast Food Rockers flopped because they were using STEPS' hand me down video sets? Surely people wanted to see more than the Heartbeat cabin again.

    Threesomes in the UK but no love here? D'luv, sometimes it just breaks my heart-we exchanged mixtapes for goodness sake!! :)

    Im not even commenting on the Xfactor.

  • At 11:26 AM, Blogger D'luv said…

    Paul, wow, that's the classiest thing anyone's said to me in at least three days. Thanks! Merry XXXmas back at ya!

    John, they'd have to jumpstart his walking corpse first by sticking his tongue in a light socket at this point.

    Jump!...the "Heartbeat" cabin..LOLOLOLOL!!!!

  • At 10:33 PM, Blogger Adem With An E said…

    What's with the female X-Factor winners looking like horses of late?

    I've only just come around to the fance mane of Leona; not sure I'm ready for more long-faced pop stars.

    That said, Paul speaks my sentiments, you hot sexy bitch. Merry Christmas and the happiest of New Years. xoxox

  • At 3:00 PM, Blogger Joshua said…

    Horses is so right. :| I hope that's not racist though.

    BTW, how bitter am I about Beyonce coming out to OUTSING Alexandra during "Listen" only because they kept the freaking song in Beyonce's higher key so lower-voiced Alexandra was basically struggling throughout the song?

  • At 4:48 PM, Blogger Adem With An E said…

    Racist?! OH. OH OK I can see where you'd draw that from... took me a while. But no, not a racist comment. Just an observation at the fact they both look like horses/Sarah Jessica Parker.


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