dispatches from the pop scene...minus the corn syrup.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

My Slutty Christina Aguilera Christmas

Nothing warms the heart at the holidays like shame. And, believe it or not, in 2002, D'luv wasn't the handsome, jet-set heartthrob you see before you now.

Yeah, it was a lean Christmas six years ago, and so when I flew home to western Pennsylvania to visit Ma and Pa Luv, dear old dad thoughtfully said to me, "You don't have to get me anything this year, my young child...except the latest issues of Maxim and FHM with that hot Christina Aguilera on them."

Now, keep in mind that the closest thing to pass for a newsstand in the fair hamlet D'luv is a worn, ratty copy of the Pennysaver duct-taped over the shattered window of some hick's El Camino.

Therefore, I had to drive to the Barnes & Noble in nearby Cranberry—aka the town X-tina is from.

Buying a straight softcore mag for the first time is a nerve-wracking experience for a 28-year-old gay man. It's like reliving the first time Father O'Riley slipped a hand down your shorts on the ferris wheel. Only not as hot.

So I get to the cash register with trash mags in hand, and the bookish gent behind the counter says to me, "Oh, she was just in here yesterday with her mother. Christina's in town to donate money to the Pittsburgh women's shelter, you know?"

Yeah, yeah, buddy, just ring up the porn. And, here you go, Dad—nothing says the true meaning of Christmas like some trilling whore in leather pants with the ass cut out of them.

Of course, this was the point where the big Christina backlash was going on because of her slutbag new image at the time. And whereas "Dirrty" had been the first single off her album Stripped that fall—and had completely flopped here in the U.S.—the label did damage control by rushing out the ballad "Beautiful" as her follow-up.

Below is MADtv's riff on that from back then, "Virginal." And as with most of these, you gotta watch to the very end for the true classiness.

And as a sidenote, I gotta hand it to my dad; if it weren't him, I wouldn't be the D'luvvly gentleman I am today.

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