dispatches from the pop scene...minus the corn syrup.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Chart Rigger's Greatest Hits: The Bitchiest Reader Comments Ever

Pop kids, what would April Fool's Day be without a little self-deprication? A lot of grand-slam, withering comments have come in over the years, nearly making me piss myself laughing each time. Some aimed at poor ol' D'luv, some aimed at others. But all classics, nonetheless.

I've been wanting to share these—especially the poetry left on older posts telling me exactly where to go shove it—for a while now. So, here now is the first ever compilation of Chart Rigger's Greatest Hits: The Comments.

* Modgey on Viva La Radio: Lolly 2.0: "wow mate you are a top twat!!!"

* Nickydee on Jack Johnson Makes Me Want To Kill Myself: "...if any of you had a life in which you didnt care what haters thought and you were just happy taking it easy and enjoying life then you might be half the man jack is."

* Bow To The Great Leona! on Oprah's Sinking Her Fangs Into Leona Lewis: "Leona's many fans will have the last laugh in all of this while you and your little cult just wallow in sadness and hatred. I truly feel sorry for people like you."

* Will on Pet Shop Boys Wanted To Duet With Tina Turner On 'Yes': "Look what happened to Dusty after she collaborated with PSB. Literally, the kiss of death!!"

* Kevin on Happiness Is A New Saint Etienne Album: "Why is Saint Etienne still recording albums? They have suck for years now (since they left Heavenly to be precise). They should've stopped after their Greatest Hits album."

* MoogaBoo (in response to Kevin) on Happiness Is A New Saint Etienne Album: "You wouldn't know a good record if it broke into your house, ass-raped you, slapped you across the face, ate all your banana bread, phoned home, hit pause, kissed you on the lips, and waved ta-ta from the back of the city bus."

* Sage on Pop Music Requires A Democrat In Office: "The Fray sucks but you wax poetic over the most nauseating 'singer' in 10 years, Lady Gaga? Must be gay."

* Anonymous on Scissor Sisters' 'Ta Dah': To Quote Madge, I've Heard It All Before: "It seems to me you have no clue what southern rock is... Seeing the pic you use as your avatar 'almost' gave you an excuse, being too young to really know much about classic rock forms... almost. Nope, I just can't do it, it's just so glaringly insipid on your part."

* J. Ackerman on Leona Lewis, My Ears Keep Bleeding, Love: "It's pretty obvious -- least of all from looking at that picture -- that Simon [Cowell] porked and pickled that warbling horse-face."

* Lia on Does David Archuleta Have A Crush On The Boy Or Girl In His New Video?: "dear, some people have a loving husband, fulfilling love and sexual life… not everyone is a pathetic-lonely-looser as I AM ASSUMING you are!"

* oPaul on Chart Rigger Jumps Into 2009, Joins Twitter: "Funny, you didn't strike me as an insipid narcissist."

* All Day All Day, Domino Boinking on Pet Shop Boys Wanted To Duet With Tina Turner On 'Yes': "Fuck these no-talents! What about real artistz, like The West End Girlz?!?!!??!?!"

* Lily Allen on It's Almost A Take That Christmas: "Cunts! D'luv is shriveled hooker!"

* Anonymous on Leona Lewis, My Ears Keep Bleeding, Love: "this article is utter bullshit... im afraid the people have spoken and leona is LIKED. so fuck u"

* Shananay LaChild on Ashley Tisdale's Inevitable Rebellious Sophomore Album Due In June: "oh ur brunette - now we can take you serious, white girl."

* Anonymous on Is JoJo Pop's Most Age-Inappropriate Princess?: "You guys are so lame. Two dickheads... You can go fuck an orangutan in the ass for all I care. But please leave innocent children alone and keep you pedophiliac fetishes to yourself. Sick fucks."

* Brad (not MuuMuse) on Lady GaGa Hammers A Giant Stake Into Madonna's Undead Corpse: "...don't try to kill her Madgesty off as long as she is selling out arenas in mere minutes (even after doubling shows), and has the top grossing tour of the year, somewhere on the order of a quarter of a BILLION fucking dollars. That's a B, as in bitches, so until then, you can suck it."

* N'est-ce pas, eh? on Not Even The Claymates Can Deny Clay Aiken's New CD Sucks Out Loud: "I'm sure glad you think Clay's new CD is what everyone will hear in hell; you'll all be hearing it for many many centuries. Better learn to enjoy it, now. Maybe the devil will add a laugh track to it so you all can hear us enjoying your misery."

* Anonymous on Varsity And Menudo Strike Up The Boy Band: "Why don't you try pursuing something instead of coming up with ways to waste your time writing a fucking NOVEL on other people. you're obviously not creative."

* StandingByArchie on Does David Archuleta Have A Crush On The Boy Or Girl In His New Video?: "I read somewhere and I quote: 'A nice Christian boy that lives a clean life is always going to be a target for bitchy queens and insecure males'."

* Julian on En Vogue, Back Together? Sure, Why Not: "F You Robbie for such a damning review of the original funky divas. Without these ladies there would have been no SWV, No Destiny's Child... But yes, I would love to see them scissoring on stage."

* A Weapon Of Massive Consumption on Lady GaGa Again Spanks Madonna: "You know what would make for great listening? Madge in a woodchipper, the digifunky 12" remix!"

* Paul on Pop Music Requires A Democrat In Office: "Lady Blahblah is doing that age-old i'm-famous-but-want-more-publicity stunt by slagging off all and sundry on digital spy. She's as classy as her gaudy outfits."

* Leona Will Haunt D'luv 4-EVA! on Oprah's Sinking Her Fangs Into Leona Lewis: "Leona is smarter than all of you trolls COMBINED!"

* XOLondon on Ashley Tisdale's Inevitable Rebellious Sophomore Album Due In June: "She sucks dank hole...she really does."

* Julia on Varsity And Menudo Strike Up The Boy Band: "Well to the person that wrote this article...wow that is really shallow of you to say such a thing... The Bandamonium tour has had great success."

* Bear on Like A Junkie Whore, Sara Bareilles Shoots Up The Charts: "This is my cousin and i don't like the title, i'm glad you recognized her but watch the way its worded."

* Anonymous on Lady GaGa Again Spanks Madonna: "RESPECT Madonna. Queen. Everyone else is a lady in waiting and pathetic for trying to 'pretend' to be the Queen without earning royalty."

* Mike on Chart Rigger Turns 4!: "You look like a really hot serial killer."

* D'luv Is Uninformed on Oprah's Sinking Her Fangs Into Leona Lewis: "It appears you don't know all that much about music!"

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