dispatches from the pop scene...minus the corn syrup.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Download Miley Cyrus Or The Terrorists Win!

Monday night, as I steered my car toward Pasadena, I had the urge to hear a driving song. This is America, after all, and we're all kings of the road.

But I'm not talking kid's stuff like Tom Petty's "American Girl"—after all, that broad from Silence Of The Lambs got thrown down a well with a poodle named Precious for blasting that pansy shit. No! I needed a true rock anthem. Cue up Miley Cyrus' "Party In The U.S.A."!


Seriously, I'm hereby declaring this jam to be the greatest American song since Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'." In fact, lyrically, it puts the inferior teenage poetry in clumsier attempts like Bruce Springsteen's "Born To Run" and Don McLean's "American Pie" to shame.

Let's just take a sampling of a few lyrics from each:

From "American Pie": "And in the streets the children screamed/ The lovers cried, and the poets dreamed/ But not a word was spoken/ The church bells all were broken."

"Born To Run": "The highways jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive/ Everybody's out on the run tonight but theres no place left to hide/ Together, Wendy, we'll live with the sadness/ I'll love you with all the madness in my soul"

And now, witness Miley's awesomeness, children:

"Party In The U.S.A.": "Too much pressure and I'm nervous/ That's when the D.J. dropped my favorite tune/ And a Britney song was on/ And a Britney song was on/ And a Britney song was on"

Suck that, Shakespeare. And so, if you love good art—aw, screw that! If you love AMERICA, I want you all to go download "Party In The U.S.A." by singer-songwriter Miley Cyrus. Get this new national anthem to #1!

And then, patriots, hop in your sweet ride and let Jesus take the wheel.

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7 Comments:

  • At 1:32 AM, Blogger Brad said…

    I love literally everything about this post. Thank you.

     
  • At 1:44 AM, Blogger Paul said…

    I think she finally released a proper video for it too! I wonder if she will rerecord it for each country she lives in? A party in the You-oo K?!

     
  • At 2:56 PM, Anonymous Thigh Thigh Baby Thigh Thigh said…

    THIS IS THE GREATEST POST EVER!!!!!

    When the nukes are finally brought out, I hope that Kansas-sized image of La Cyrus is plastered to the front!!

     
  • At 4:58 PM, Anonymous Michele said…

    Poor little Precious.

    ...but Go Miley! Go, go, go down that pole! For America.

     
  • At 2:12 PM, Blogger Christina Gubalalalala said…

    Oh man, endless source of LOLz, that one.

     
  • At 9:42 AM, Anonymous rakeback said…

    And the countdown begins to the end of her lame career.

     
  • At 3:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Miley Cyrus Sucks, she doesn't even write here own lyrics. She's the worst role model, just watch Wrecking ball.

     

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