dispatches from the pop scene...minus the corn syrup.

Thursday, December 03, 2009

Hike Up Your Skirts, 'Cause This Is One Trashy, Slutty, Scissor-Me-Timbers Chart Post

First off, pardon my lack of riffing on the charts till this evening—life always seems to get a bit bungled at the holidays. So let's just down some peppermint hot chocolate and get to forging our way through the week's classy jamz clogging up ye olde Billboard Hot 100 now!

Proving that there's still a viable market for Two-Dollar Whore, Ke$ha does the panty-shake up two positions to #3 with "TiK ToK." And by two positions, I mean 1.) upside-down split on the stripper pole, and 2.) one foot on the kitchen sink faucet, the other tucked into the refrigerator door handle.

Rihanna takes a far more lady-like approach to pole-vault up from #80 to #19...she just calls her single "Hard." Ironically, she's just above Chris Brown, with his languishing tune "I Can Transform Ya" (at #20). Boy, that one just won't die, will it? It's like when you take a Barbie doll leg and try to stab a cockroach with the little plastic stiletto heel. Right? Anyone?

And speaking of thighs akimbo, Cascada, Shakira, Lady Gaga and Beyonce are all stacked on top of each other like an international double-decker hooker burger, respectively at #28 ("Evacuate The Dancefloor"), #29 ("Give It Up To Me") and #30 (Gaga and B's "Telephone" debut). And guess who's got the pickle in that sandwhich?

Righty-O, this makes a great segue to Susan Boyle, who not only debuts at #62 on the Hot 100 with "I Dreamed A Dream," she also just happens to have sold, oh, a mere 701,000 copies of her same-titled debut album. That gives her the highest first week sales of any album this year.

Susan, hon, crack open a bottle of Tête de Cuvée and give that Simon Cowell a plentiful pinch on the arse. Then dream a dream of that sweet $246 royalty check you'll probably get when all is said and done.

Alright, I gotta fuck off and go listen to "Jump" from Glee about 30 more times.

The U.S. Top 10:

1. "Empire State Of Mind" - Jay-Z feat. Alica Keys *3 weeks*
2. "Bad Romance" - Lady Gaga
3. "TiK ToK" - Kesha
4. "Fireflies" - Owl City
5. "Replay" - Iyaz
6. "Whatcha Say" - Jason DeRulo
7. "Meet Me Halfway" - The Black Eyed Peas
8. "Sexy Chick" - David Guetta feat. Akon
9. "Down" - Jay Sean feat. Lil Wayne
10. "3" - Britney Spears

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