dispatches from the pop scene...minus the corn syrup.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Like We're Dying: The 10 Worst Singles Of 2009

Pop, you have given us some inexcusable, briny three-minute buckets of chum his year. (And surprisingly, Fergie wasn't warbling on all of them!) Luckily, D'luv and his trusty pal Moogaboo are here to swab the deck once again, and throw the worst offenders into the depths of the ocean like an unsavory pile of dead hookers. Jump below and read at your own risk!

10. Aqua, "Back To The '80s"

Moogaboo says: "Even though Aqua's comeback was something of a damp squib, I still have high hopes for the return of Qkumba Zoo!"

9. Kris Allen, "Live Like We're Dying"

Moogaboo says: "Kris finishes his song, waves goodbye to the audience and shakes Leno's hand as he's ushered backstage. Once in the alley, a door slams behind him. He is alone. A limo pulls up and he sidles into the backseat, the driver gives him a wink in the rearview mirror. It is Taylor Hicks. The limo speeds off into night, never to be seen, nor summoned, again."

8. Jeremih, "Birthday Sex"

D'luv says: "If anyone ever plays this on my birthday, they're not getting sex—they're getting tasered."

7. Drake, "Best I Ever Had"

Moogaboo says: "Although the lyric 'I can make your pussy whistle like the Andy Griffith theme song' does deserve some kind of Irving Berlin award, Drake's gross and his molest-y coach-themed video is just creepy."

6. Pixie Lott, "Mama Do"

D'luv says: "Just what the world needed—Duffy in a thong."

5. The Black Eyed Peas, "Boom Boom Pow"

D'luv says: "I was really torn with this one—on one hand, 'Boom Boom Pow' made me want to slit my throat from ear to ear by about the 149th time I'd heard it on the radio in the spring. And yet, here I am!"

4. Katy Perry, "Thinking Of You"

Moogaboo says: "Ballads only work if you have a voice that doesn't inspire suicide. Er, one exception—I like Britney's 'Sometimes.'"

3. Souljah Boy Tell 'Em, "Kiss Me Thru The Phone"

Moogaboo says: "So after this he goes back to the special school, right?"

2. Eminem, "We Made You"

D'luv says: "Remember all those dicks who used to dress like Eminem clones in the late '90s? Where are they now, I ask you—WHERE ARE THEY NOW? Certainly not downloading 'We Made You.'"

1. U2, "Get On Your Boots"

D'luv says: "I hope Nelson Mandela kicked Bono in the nuts when he heard this sonic abortion."

* The Top 40 Pop Singles Of The '00s
* The Worst Singles Of 2008
* The Worst Singles Of 2007
* The Worst Singles Of 2006

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  • At 1:07 PM, Blogger Brad said…

    I love you, and this is perfect.

  • At 1:18 PM, Blogger Christina Gubalalalala said…

    has been a long time since I have actually LOLed at a blog. Thank you for this. (shakes head) "Sonic abortion" OMG!

  • At 3:54 PM, Blogger countpopula said…

    Not a bad list, and a decade on with Aqua still getting slammed. You were dead on about that U2 song though. VERY funny.

  • At 4:59 PM, Blogger Loïc - It's Pop! admin said…

    Very funny! But you obviously forgot Mika's atrocious We Are Golden !

  • At 5:09 PM, Anonymous You Ain't Just Whistlin' Pussy! said…

    I LAUGHED so hard at the Kris Allen scenario...let's hope Ruben Studdard's bloated corpse was in the trunk.

    One complaint: no preteen squealmoanz from La Bieber?

    D'Evil...D'Luvly..D'Brilliant! Can I nominate you and Moogs for Best Pop Commentators of the Decade?

  • At 5:14 PM, Anonymous It's Your Birthday So I Know You Wanna Ri-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-de said…

    So glad you stuck it to that self-righteous dinosaur leprechaun windbag!! And to Bono, too!!

  • At 7:05 PM, Blogger Mike said…

    I sign off on most of these (particularly 'Birthday Sex' which makes me want to castrate myself) but I do love that Katy Perry song.

    PS. Moogaboo needs his own blog - or he can sign up as my glamorous assistant!

  • At 8:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Kris Allen?? Awww. Come on now. Poor little sexy puppy. It's a great song!

  • At 10:15 PM, Blogger Patrick said…

    I'll be honest and say that I think your Kris Allen comments were off-base...but this is taking into consideration that I adore him and his beautiful backside. That said, I'd say most of your reviews are point on. And I did still giggle at the Taylor Hicks comment, so I'm not that dull!

    Anyway...you should check out my music blog that I started recently: http://pcrowl.tumblr.com/. And follow me on Twitter (@pcrowl). I'm a faithful reader and would love to hear your thoughts about my blog!


  • At 1:18 AM, Blogger Paul said…

    oh how you have cheered me up this morning. Can the Kris Allen car drop him off at my house? I'll make sure he doesn't trouble the world at large again!!

  • At 5:56 AM, Blogger Adem With An E said…

    HA! "Just what the world needed—Duffy in a thong." pretty much sums that bitch up in the best way possible, I think.

    What did you think of the Justice remix of Get On Your Boots?

  • At 9:17 AM, Blogger Mel said…

    Although I do like a few of these, I can't totally disagree with your captions. At least this year I'm not listing any of these on my countdown. Well, 'cept for BEP. But I'm forgiven for that because of the brainwashing and the fact that it was #1 for years. Right?

  • At 7:16 PM, Blogger D'luv said…

    Brad, love you too, baby.

    Christina, yaaaayy! It's been far too long since I've heard you laugh :)

    Countpopula, don't get me wrong—I like Aqua, which is probably why "Back To The '80s" was such a letdown.

    Loïc, oh, there was a longer list we started with, my friend ;)

    YAJWP, you may!

    Mike, quit trying to steal away my Golden Goose, you greedy beeatch!

    Todd, SURE it is. Sure it is.

    Patrick, I've said before that Kris could be putting his mouth to better use, and one that would probably garner a far more lucrative career...

    Paul, but what will you do with him after those first 24 seconds are over?

    Adem, admittedly, never heard it!

    Mel, resist the tripe, chylde, RESIST!

  • At 10:24 PM, Blogger Moogaboo said…

    YAJWP - we accept the nomination!

    And I'm so flattered to be head-hunted, Mike! But Robbie pays me too well to ever defect permanently. (In other words, he knows all my secrets.) As for starting my own blog, I've tried but the gov't keeps shutting them down. Something about being too sexy for the public good.

  • At 9:53 AM, Blogger Stephanie said…

    Where the hell is that piece of tripe Tik Tok? Somebody needs to tell Ke$ha or whatever the hell her name is that she's needed back at the brothel and should never sing again. Ever.

  • At 7:26 AM, Anonymous Emery said…

    This cannot have effect in actual fact, that is what I think.
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  • At 4:43 AM, Blogger alice asd said…

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