dispatches from the pop scene...minus the corn syrup.

Sunday, February 07, 2010

Somebody Please Put A Hit Out On Jedward And Bring Shayne Ward Back

Ah, poor Jedward. The X Factor dorks were unable to knock synth geek Owl City off the top of the UK chart with their mashup (read: murdering of) "Under Pressure" and "Ice Ice Baby."

But fuck those two. The only X Factor alum I want to hear from is Shayne Ward. And by hear from, I mean him mumbling while half-conscious, shirtless, jeans around the ankles and tied to a tree with an apple in his mouth. (Hey, it's my birthday—let me have some fun!)

We're supposedly one month away from Shayne's new single "Oxygen" being released. I'm just glad that the Heidi Range duet rumor isn't true. 'Cause I'd rip that bitch's weave off with a Rototiller like Kelly Clarkson attacking a plate of spaghetti if she tried anything fresh with Shayne.

And screw Simon Cowell for not inviting the hottest piece of tail to grace the X Factor stage to take part in the Helping Haiti "Everybody Hurts" charity single. (Which, by the way, is already #1 on UK iTunes after being added around midnight last night.) He needs to pull his face out of Susan Boyle's matronly she-taco and realize all things entertainment don't begin and end with that warbling broad. They begin and end with Shayne's ass.

The U.K. Top 10:

1. "Fireflies" - Owl City *3 weeks*
2. "Under Pressure (Ice Ice Baby)" - Jedward *new*
3. "If We Ever Meet Again" - Timbaland feat. Katy Perry
4. "Don't Stop Believin'" - Glee Cast
5. "Empire State Of Mind (Part II)" - Alicia Keys
6. "Replay" - Iyaz
7. "Starstrukk" - 3OH!3 feat. Katy Perry
8. "One Shot" - JLS
9. "Don't Stop Believin'" - Journey
10. "Won't Go Quietly" - Example

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  • At 2:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    this blog is not only hilarious but very very acurate in so many ways and for that I thank you Mr Chart Rigger ! Cant wait to hear what the delicious Mr Ward has in store for us with this long awaited album and sod Simon Cowell !

  • At 4:02 PM, Blogger John said…

    I've been saying that Shayne being left off off the Haiti single was a big slip-up since I heard the track listing, so I'm glad that you agree. Really eager to hear the new single, especially since he tweeted that he's finished on Friday.

  • At 4:31 PM, Blogger rcLoy said…

    I know it's weird but can I join your birthday party? Pretty please? Haha, that is a good situation to find Shayne in :)

  • At 6:02 PM, Blogger D'luv said…

    Anonymous, thank you, me neither and absolutely sod Simon Cowell!

    John, here's hoping it's more Swedetastic goodness a la Breathless.

    rcLoy, you know, that reminds me... there really needs to be a Shayne Ward sex tape. Who do we call to arrange that?

  • At 6:36 PM, Anonymous Pranav said…

    Just for laughs, watch the Jedward interview with Jonathan Ross if you get a chance. These guys should do nothing besides give interviews - even if they have absolutely nothing to promote. Between John's serious case of ADD and Edward's inability to shut up for even a milli-second, this pair makes for quite an interesting watch. The music is a whole different story.

  • At 6:49 PM, Blogger Moogaboo said…

    I don't know, isn't he (or any artist) better off NOT being on one of those kitschy charity singles? They're almost always awful and the money ends up going toward Aunt Clive's taint waxing anyway.

  • At 6:05 AM, Anonymous Johnny D said…

    Lets get real folks. If there is no impending Shayne Ward sex tape, he may as well start auditioning for jobs in mid price shoe shops.

    I recommend he start downing pints and lines with Kris Smith.

  • At 8:40 AM, Blogger Paul said…

    re: the shayne sex tape ~ i'm on it. mail it to ya when done. He loves the apple :P

  • At 9:21 AM, Anonymous shaun said…

    Hope you had a nice birthday, Robbie....and thanks for enblazening the lovely image of Shayne tied to a tree and ready to be "saved" onto my brain....really brightens the day...this blog is the blog that keeps on giving.

  • At 6:46 PM, Blogger Mike said…

    Oh happy birthday, love!

    And yes, Shayne can sit on my face any old time...

  • At 7:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    happy birfday robbie....

    hope you remembered to grab some jergen's.....for the rope burns, of course!!

    until disney signs jedward for a new (subtitled) sitcom.....

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