dispatches from the pop scene...minus the corn syrup.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Christina Aguilera's 'Bionic' Disaster—Reversible Or No?

By now we all know that Christina Aguilera's Bionic album campaign is off to a floptastic start. "Not Myself Tonight" tanked on the Billboard Hot 100, she canceled her summer tour and the endless Lady Gaga comparisons—not to mention rumors of a beef between the two, real or imagined—haven't exactly done anything to win her any new fans in this age where music buyers crave bad romance over being dirrty.

And so Xtina's Bionic limped into the Top 200 Albums chart this week at #3 (on sales of a measly 110,000 copies), coming in behind the Twilight Saga: Eclipse soundtrack (144,000) at #2 and the Glee: The Music—Journey To Regionals EP at #1 (152,000). Yes—a fucking EP of Glee songs sold more than Christina Aguilera. Welcome to the new decade.

The album is truly a hot mess of hodge podge, but as Pop Trash Addicts and My Fizzy Pop point out in their lengthy reviews (fine, impassioned reads, both of them), all of the podge isn't necessarily bad podge.

My advice (and, really, doesn't everyone want it?) is this: baby, you should have learned from Mariah Carey's tragically repeated past mistakes—the public doesn't want you ghetto, Gaga or trying to keep up with the times. They want you in a nice black dress, in front of a microphone belting out "Beautiful." You want to be edgy? You're allowed to make another "Fighter," but the "Dirrty" days are over. And you ain't electro, hon. Stick with the pretty stuff, like "You Lost Me"—which, if Sony has any execs with half a brain in charge of Aguilera's trajectory, will be her next single.

"Woohoo" might have actually worked if it were the third single, after a couple of the ballads. See, Christina's allowed to dance a bit, but the public wants familiarity at the onset. Don't go skipping out of the gate in the crotchless vinyl thong with the spiked ball gag in your yap, you dumb broad—it makes people who love to hate wary, and gives them ammunition. (Plus, it's just tired at this point.)

Read this, Christina. And read it well. All is hardly lost. Your fans are still there. And second chances come along all the time. Just ask your pal Britney.

Rush "You Lost Me" to radio. Your collaborations with Sia are gorgeous. And be a bit humble. Go visit stations. Do the talk shows again. Do a couple live dates. Starting from the ground up might help you get back to basics. And remind you what us boys and girls want.
The U.S. Top 10:

1. "California Gurls" - Katy Perry feat. Snoop Dogg *2 weeks*
2. "OMG" - Usher feat. will.i.am
3. "Airplanes" - B.o.B feat. Hayley Williams
4. "Billionaire" - Travie McCoy feat. Bruno Mars
5. "Your Love Is My Drug" - Ke$ha
6. "Alejandro" - Lady Gaga
7. "Break Your Heart" - Taio Cruz feat. Ludacris
8. "Not Afraid" - Eminem
9. "Rock That Body" - The Black Eyed Peas
10. "Find Your Love" - Drake

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  • At 11:23 AM, Blogger Paul said…


  • At 11:29 AM, Anonymous shaun said…

    Unless she's a fool, Xtina will heed your words. As for the Top 10 -- a ten with no Train and only one Tra$ha song is about the best we can hope for these days...though, it would be nice if I liked (or at least didn't actively hate) all but one song...

  • At 11:37 AM, Anonymous Matthew John FInn said…

    Yes, yes and YES

  • At 5:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    So true about being humble. In a world of Gaga, whom caters to her fans and indulges them in every way possible - Christina is a stark contract. She's hardly accesible publicly (she doesnt even have a twitter account), and there's no one out there who would disagree that she's frigid, cold, self-absorbed, and a pure b1tch to most everyone she deals with.

    What she also needs to realize is she needs to be true to herself. She's still that insecure little girl from PA who was hated in school and never felt pretty. To combat that, she's still running around, singing songs about how "dirrty" and skanky she is. Get over it - no one's buying it. You can talk the talk, and wear the skanky clothes, but we're not buying it. Nobody also bought the fact that she was latino, when she tried to milk that cash cow for a Latin album (yeah, so what, you're deadbeat father was South American...but you never spoke a word of Spanish growing up and are whiter than most bread.)

    Christina Aguilera's first album and Stripped (sans Dirrty) were her best. The formula on those albums were simple - exploit Christina for what she was good at - a great voice with good quality, catchy, pop songs. I want another Genie in a Bottle far more than I want another Dirrty or Woohoo.

  • At 11:02 PM, Anonymous K.I.A.T.W.F. said…

    Truer words of advice have not been spoken to Xtina -- and I applaud your willingness to be constructive in the face of her ridiculous sense of self-importance and her delusions of relevance. (I, on the other hand, want her to simply bomb for being so clueless. I mean, tapping Ladytron--who sounded dated in 2003--to sound "futuristic" is just sad.) I just wish her songs with Sia were stronger... they could've totally rocked. Like, Sia should've given her "I'm in Here" or "Cloud" from her own new album.

  • At 3:40 AM, Anonymous Xtina's Xuxxy said…

    And if you don't like...FUCK YOU!!!

  • At 10:29 AM, Blogger Random J said…

    If she released "Woohoo", "Desnudate", "You lost me", shot KILLER videos for each song, fixed up her stank ass attitude on TV and stopped referring to Bionic as "futuristic" when the album sounds 5 years outdated - she might be able to turn this around. But that's a mighty big MIGHT.

    Christina f**ked herself over. She tried to marry working with artists on the Indie-ish niche scene and then work with hood bangin' producers like Tricky Stewart and Polow da Don and at no point was able to make any of it meet in the middle. Plus, she's just mimicking other artists on half the songs. Bitch couldn't sound any more like M.I.A on "Elastic love" if she tried! And she snatched Santi and Sia's swag on at least 4 tracks.

    She talks out the side of her mouth about Britney, Gaga and Beyonce - but they all came better with their last albums than she did. A HECK of alot better.

    Bionic isn't good enough to use as a drinks coaster. The album is garbage. The only good thing about it is its cover art.

  • At 1:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Great piece of writing and FANTASTIC comments.

  • At 12:44 AM, Blogger duanemoody.com said…

    I LOVE You Lost Me; however, I love it because it's oh so Sia. Xtina has been such a see you next Tuesday every time she's opened her mouth lately, and all the talent in the world can't make up for that. She needs a big piece of humble pie, and needs to eat it publicly before I would ever consider myself a fan again.

  • At 11:17 PM, Blogger Mike said…

    You're spot on, doll. There are a couple of tracks worth salvaging but she needs to make herself approachable again. People could idenitify with the good girl gone bad circa "Stripped" but now she's just a hot tranny mess that walks around talking about how revolutionary she is despite releasing songs that sound like they were recorded in 2005. I still love her (because I've always had a soft spot for cold, hard bitches) but it seems everyone else has given up.

  • At 3:13 PM, Anonymous Christina Aguilera said…

    Christina really needs to step it up and release some quality music. She needs to go back to being a little humble, nice to her fans and belt it out like she only can.


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