dispatches from the pop scene...minus the corn syrup.

Thursday, March 03, 2011

U.S. Chart Roundup: The Epic Story Of Why There Is An Evil Force Called Jennifer Lopez

Pop Kyds, there once was a dark and loathsome time, many, many moons ago, when Jennifer Lopez employed her tenuous voice to chirp out flimsy tunes that would fly to the upper reaches of the chart—garbage like "Jenny From The Block," "Love Don't Cost A Thing" and "I'm Real." On occasion some rent-a-rapper was Scotch-taped onto the trash to make J.Lo's treacle more attractive to the chyldryn.

But in the year of our Pop Lord 2000 and 5, a giant flapping bird named Mimi and a horrendous vulture called Madge—both of whom had been exiled to the Island Of Flop Divas for a spell—returned home. Mimi tended to her nest, bumping all the other whores who dared sit in it while she was gone over the edge, to plummet to their death. Madge picked at their flesh with her evil beak, desperately searching for any usable scraps with which she could fashion something fancy for herself.

And this is what happened to J.Lo...


While she floundered in Hell, she occasionally dragged others' careers into the gutter with her—Jane Fonda here, Marc Anthony there. As for Matthew McConaughey, well, he was already in Hell, chyldryn.

But something happened—some calamitous collision of forces and alignment of dark stars—and The Lopez was ironically granted a position by which she could now judge the talent of others on a television show called Republican Network Singing Kids You Vote For To Make The Bland Shit You Are Too Cheap To Buy Anyway.

Eventually, Lady Gaga dispatched her most powerful warrior RedOne to breathe new life into The Lopez, so that she could have someone awful to stand next to on the Planet Of Pop, someone to make Gaga herself look better by comparison.

And that, Chyldryn, is how "On The Floor" debuted at #9 on the Billboard Hot 100 this week, and became her first Top 10 hit in eight years. Resist, if you must. But Fate is undeniable.

The U.S. Top 10:

1. "Born This Way" - Lady Gaga *3 weeks*
2. "Fuck You" - Cee Lo Green
3. "Grenade" - Bruno Mars 
4. "Fuckin' Perfect" - Pink
5. "S&M" - Rihanna
6. "Firework" - Katy Perry
7. "Tonight (I'm Fuckin' You)" - Enrique Iglesias ft. Ludacris & DJ Frank E
8. "E.T." - Katy Perry feat. Kanye West
9. "On The Floor" - Jennifer Lopez feat. Pitbull *new*
10. "I Need A Doctor" - Dr. Dre feat. Eminem & Skylar Grey

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7 Comments:

  • At 11:00 AM, Anonymous Kye said…

    SO. MUCH. WIN! ;_;

     
  • At 11:02 AM, Anonymous Kye said…

    As an early 90s baby, I grew up listening to J.Lo in the early 2000s. As much as I hate her guts, trash jams like "Ain't It Funny" and "All I Have" secure a good place in my heart.

     
  • At 12:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    after the last 2 albums i truly thought we werent gonna have to deal with her ever again.... damn u idol!!!!

     
  • At 12:27 PM, Blogger goodnightjack said…

    Brilliant....

     
  • At 12:47 PM, Blogger Yuяi said…

    Loved this!

    Even though you took a page out of the GaGa handbook and stole that shit from the opening credits of "Born This Way," I still think you're on the right track, baby!

     
  • At 1:01 PM, Blogger Joshua said…

    OMG Top 10 Chart Rigger post EVER. So wrong but So right.

    Unfortunately, the J Lo song is now growing on my brain like a zombie polyp and eating away at all my pop sensibilities :(

     
  • At 1:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I can't help but notice there are 3 titles having f- in it. More, that Rihanna song is surely all about f- and eminem never had a track without the f bomb. Just hilarious!

     

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