dispatches from the pop scene...minus the corn syrup.

Monday, December 05, 2011

The 10 Worst Singles Of 2011: It Sucks To Be You Right Now

Perhaps no one flopped as spectacularly in 2011 as Beyonce. She couldn't land a hit off 4 to save her life, but this was music to the ears of trusty Chart Rigger sidekick Moogaboo and I as we sat down to sift through the year's-worth of aural atrocities. Bey-lieve it or not, the prego diva pulled off a first when it came time for our annual Worst list — a hat trick of trash! And so, without further delay, here's our Worst Singles Of 2011 roundup.

10. Beyonce, "Best Thing I Never Had"

D'luv says: "The best thing Bey never had was a hit off this album — and rightly so! If this officially signals the end of big-name hoes chucking out lazy, mediocre garbage that sounds like their last seven singles, best take a long last look at Beyonce, folks!"
Moogaboo says: "It's a good thing I never had to hear this song on the radio more than twice."
PREVIOUS TRIUMPH: Bey soared to #8 on our Worst Singles Of 2008 list thanks to her since-forgotten ballad "If I Were A Boy," and made an excellent showing on our Worst Singles Of 2007 list with the Shakira-assisted "Beautiful Liar," at #2.

9. Jennifer Lopez, "On The Floor"

Moogaboo says: "This song was like a modernized 'Dancing in the Streets'...for idiots."
D'luv says: "I'll give J.Lo props for being personable and charming on American Idol. But as far as entertaining the masses at large, just stick to the ass pics, baby, because you make Janet sound like Etta James. PS Let's all pray 2012 is the year RedOne is tarred, feathered and run out of the biz on a pack mule."

8. Lady Gaga, "Judas"

D'luv says: "'Judas' — or when Lady Gaga finally realized that no one's really into the overdone combo of Jesus and her pussy that much. Another limp RedOne production, only mildly entertaining for the fact that, musically, it sounds like something ABBA — or, at the very least, Steps — would have turned out back in the day."
Moogaboo says: "I like that she proceeded directly to the self-indulgent, un-enjoyable phase of her career, which usually takes an artist five or ten years to reach. Bring on the spoken word jazz album and appearances in terrible movies!"

7. Nicola Roberts, "Beat Of My Drum"

D'luv says: "Remember when the Internet — except for us — collectively pulled out its dick and ejaculated all over Twitter about how great this song is? Yeah, the Internet is stupid." 
Moogaboo says: "Oh, darlin', blog love doesn't equal sales, and this trash has even less charm than Girls Aloud's worst single. (We don't have time to narrow them all down to just one, so let's just say 'Jump'.)"

6. Cher Lloyd, "Swagger Jagger"

Moogaboo says: "As long as US customs continues to screen animal cargo for rabies, our charts should be safe from Cher Lloyd for another few years."
D'luv says: "Has someone cut this broad's vocal chords yet?"

5. Beyonce, "1+1"

D'luv says: "In this case, 1+1 = 0. Gotta love how when this tuneless dirge bombed, it was brushed under the carpet and simply labeled as a 'promo single'. So, how'd that promotion turn out, then?"
Moogaboo says: "'I don't know why this flopped -- my hair looked great in the video!'"

4. Jessie J feat. B.o.B, "Price Tag"

D'luv says: "When you stop for a minute and ponder the fact that Adele's voice has been sidelined for months by injury and surgery while Jessie J is free to go on assaulting the eardrums of the world with her speaking-in-tongues trilling, it's hard not to come to the conclusion that life really sucks."
Moogaboo says: "It restores some of my faith in pop-manity that Jessie J is almost universally reviled for being a terrible singer and not very interesting."

3. Justin Bieber, "Mistletoe"

D'luv says: "Using 'shorty' in a Christmas song? Bad lesbian!"
Moogaboo says: "This has already ruined two holiday shopping excursions at TJ Maxx for me. How am I supposed to believe in Christmas again?"
PREVIOUS TRIUMPH: Being the very first vocalist you hear on "We Are The World 25 For Haiti," Bieber received the ultimate compliment when we chose the charity jam as our top pick on the Worst Singles Of 2010 roundup.

2. Bruno Mars, "The Lazy Song"

D'luv says: "'Chilling in my Snuggie'"? I despise this obnoxious waste of three minutes so much that when it comes on the radio, I like to imagine I'm about to drive over Bruno's skull and skid on it, preferably when he's having 'some really nice sex'."
Moogaboo says: "At least he's upfront about how much effort he didn't put into this anthem for morons."
PREVIOUS TRIUMPH: Bruno easily landed at #2 on our Worst Singles Of 2010 list after lending his golden pipes to Travie McCoy's "Billionaire."

1. Beyonce, "Girls (Who Run The World)"

D'luv says: "Aw, poor Beyonce. She thought she could glue on a blonde weave, slip into a feathered vest, walk a couple of hyenas on chains and get her Tina Turner circa Thunderdome on and no one would pay attention to the fact that this song blows. Oopsie!" 
Moogaboo says: "Every time Beyonce flops, an angel gets its wings. Merry Christmas, everybody!"

ALSO SEE:
* The Worst Singles Of 2010
* The Worst Singles Of 2009
* The Worst Singles Of 2008
* The Worst Singles Of 2007
* The Worst Singles Of 2006

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15 Comments:

  • At 8:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    For someone who's blown up his blog stanning for Steps, you sure have it out for Beyonce. How dare she not let Dr. Luke/Max Martin hit machine autotune her to the top of the charts!

     
  • At 8:22 AM, Anonymous Tiffany Taeyeon said…

    Honey, there are a lot of artists who don't work with Max Martin and Dr. Luke and have hit records.

    Beyonce's music just sucked, it was truly horrid and embarrassing on every level, and she definitely deserves to dominate this list.

    They may as well just fill this whole list with every track from 4lop since she released every song as a single basically.

     
  • At 8:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Beyonce gave music to a bunch of pop whores who wished to shake their asses to pop trash. The result was ugly. Can you really tell me a song like 'I Miss You' is awful?

     
  • At 11:27 AM, Anonymous shaun said…

    Though I find Judas, On the Floor, and Best Thing I Never Had to be somewhat enjoyable every now and then (translation: after a couple of drinks), I understand their inclusion, particularly Best Thing I Never Had, which is just a rehash of the truly divine Irreplacable. Thank you so much for including Bruno Mars. I hate that song so so so much! I don't understand how the same guy who made "Grenade," a true pop gem full of atmosphere and hooks, made all that other trash. Happy Holidays!

     
  • At 12:40 PM, Blogger Joshua said…

    OH MY GOSH! The bottom 2 of your Top 10 are my absolute favorite routines at ZUMBA® down at the Senior Center!!!!

     
  • At 3:18 PM, Anonymous Pranav said…

    Thanks for putting "Judas" (so so horrid!) on this list. This woman really thinks she can put out anything, create a lot of buzz around it, and expect it to sell. I don't know why we are tolerant of such trash. And yeah, "Get on the floor" is another really trashy track. I can't believe I received the pre-releases for both these trashy tracks. Someone just sent RedOne into exile from the music industry.

     
  • At 3:49 PM, Anonymous Fellow Blogger said…

    Jeez. You guys are so mean. Even if you are right, why are you so tasteless?

     
  • At 4:27 PM, Anonymous Jared said…

    Love it! Excellent post. I can't stop looking at the exquisite picture of Jessie J you hand picked. Great job! :-)

     
  • At 5:03 PM, Anonymous The House of Dereon said…

    [CONDEMNED]

     
  • At 6:13 PM, Blogger Diva Incarnate said…

    Bukkake-chic Beyonce is simply disgusting. Michelle's On The Run (From Mathew Knowles), on the other hand, is the budget anthem of a generation.

    I actually LOVE J-Lo's On The Floor and think it's hilarious that someone with zero vocal talent can storm the AMA's stage and create the best jaw-dropping pop performance since Madonna's Hung Up.

    I'm in two minds about doing a best of list for 2011 - mostly because I can't really remember many songs I loved.

     
  • At 8:18 PM, Blogger Jump! said…

    I'm still blowin' my load over Nicola Roberts' single - and apparently madonna got her dick out to from the sounds of the demo "give me your love!.

    Not everyone can handle my cock or Nicola's ace single. Love it or leave it!

     
  • At 8:30 PM, Blogger Moogaboo said…

    If Madonna is looking to Nicola Roberts for inspiration, I fear for HER taste levels. (More so than usual.)

    Diva Incarnate, I'm all about budget anthems. Wait till you see our Best List!

     
  • At 9:26 PM, Anonymous selena_gomezzz... said…

    after seeing Judas I'm convinced that Lady Gaga is indeed Alexis Arquette out of drag.

    "Bad Lesbian!" = priceless.

     
  • At 9:58 PM, Blogger Jebb said…

    Several of these songs I've never heard of; others are favorites: "Judas," "On the Floor." The only flaw in "Judas" is the bridge. I liked "Run the World (Girls)" but didn't hear enough of the others from 4 to say. More importantly, how does the glorious monotone of Katie Perry not make this list?

     
  • At 11:33 AM, Anonymous Razzz Lebanon said…

    You should've included all 752 singles from Beyonce's latest megaflop anthem '4' into that list... how could she intentionally decide to record such trash and think it might be a hit????

    Lady Gaga also thought that milking religious anthems in a cheap overused post-Madonna way will help her sell records, hopefully Judas' flop will teach her a lesson or two....

    and that 'Lazy Song' is the worst song of the year on my list, seriously who would accept to have 'some really nice sex' with him???

     

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