dispatches from the pop scene...minus the corn syrup.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

The 10 Worst Singles Of 2012: We Are Never Ever Ever ... Like Ever!

"Jeez. You guys are so mean. Even if you are right, why are you so tasteless?" These were were words posted by some FLOP in the comments on last year's Worst Singles list here on Chart Rigger. And Moogaboo, my partner in all things pop, and yours D'luvvly have asked ourselves this question on several occasions: why are we so tasteless? The answer: we're not the tasteless ones, hooker; we're simply here to help the masses avoid ear-assaulting noise released by shit artistes, whether you like it or not.

This year was no exception, as there was a pile of musical cack accumulated over the past 12 months like no other. The culprits? You'll see them all below, pop fanatics. We're hear to preach it and teach it, and if you don't like it — to quote Legend Of The United States (LOTUS), Xtina — fuck you.

10. Mariah Carey feat. Rick Ross & some other flop, "Triumphant (Get 'Em)"
Moogaboo says: "Dear Mimi: it might be over — like, over-over — and I mean for real this time."
D'luv says: "This song is garbage, but that's a given — so let's get down to brass tacks. Mimi gets an A+ for her bonkers gold dress and oblivious diva posturing in the video. The true disappointment was not having a scene showing Rick Ross sex her over the boxing ring ropes and heaving up the three plates of flapjacks he ate for breakfast in her face before dying of a heart attack. I mean, WHO dropped the ball here?"
PREVIOUS TRIUMPH: Mariah whistle-shrieked her way to #5 on our Worst Singles Of 2008 list with her aptly-titled flop "Bye Bye."

9. Cher Lloyd, "Want U Back"
D'luv says: "Jessie J is a wretched twat. But given her absence this year, we simply substituted her on this list with Cher Lloyd."
Moogaboo says: "I give it five years before she's guest-starring on East Enders. That's kind of a compliment, though."
PREVIOUS TRIUMPH: Ms. Lloyd easily sailed to #6 on our Worst Singles Of 2011 list with "Swagger Jagger." Brava!

8. Neon Hitch, "Fuck U Betta"
Moogaboo says: "Not for all the free condoms at a NewNowNext Awards after-party, baby."
D'luv says: "Poor Neon Hitch. Songs with 'fuck' in the title are so 2010. Look for her next single to feature such topical gimmicks as a sax solo, some whistling and Sean Paul."

7. Rita Ora, "R.I.P."
D'luv says: "Nope, not much to add here."
Moogaboo says: "The only more appropriate title would have been 'D.O.A.'"

6. Taylor Swift, "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together"
D'luv says: "For just once, I'd like to see this broad keep her legs shut and try writing a song. I bet she can't do it. "
Moogaboo says: "This trash becomes slightly more poignant when one realizes, hey, even millionaire twenty-something songstresses can get totally twerked in the nether-regions over 16-year-old high school flops."

5. Madonna feat. Nicki Minaj & some other flop, "Give Me All Your Luvin'"
Moogaboo says: "When she's not destroying her rivals in ritualistic murder-medleys, the Vampyre Madge sometimes feels obligated to create new tunes to hump crucifixes to— but, sorry lady, this dreckitude isn't cutting it. And would someone please take away Martin Solveig's fucking headache-inducing bouncy-synth before he strikes again?"
D'luv says: "I was really, really on board for the Madonna renaissance, and it all looked so promising at the onset of 2012. There was the Golden Globe win. The Super Bowl performance. The funny Graham Norton interview. Alas, wrangling in Nicki Minaj and M.I.A. for this weak lead single off MDNA was a desperate move for Ye Olde Vampyre, and it all rapidly plummeted from there."
PREVIOUS TRIUMPH: Who's that girl? Why, it's Madonna, duckies, and her "4 Minutes" climbed all the way to #6 on our Worst Singles Of 2008 list!

4. Maroon 5, "One More Night"
D'luv says: "Adam Levine surely has to be plagued on a daily basis by the fact that he sold his soul to corporate rock whoredom. And, really, what artist doesn't want to have hits? The anomaly here is that this faux-reggae tripe was #1 for nine weeks, and I can't hum a bar of it to save my life."
Moogaboo says: "Remember when Adam's godawful, mayonnaise-flavored vocals could only make it to #86 on the charts? Those are the days I miss."

3. Karmin, "Brokenhearted"
Moogaboo says: "These kids obviously have a generous uncle in the chart-bothering biz, so I'm just going to ignore them until their payola source dries up and they disappear forever. Fingers crossed."
D'luv says: "All I'm going to point out is this: the weekend these two happened with their SNL performance, Whitney died. Coincidence?"

2. Flo Rida, "Whistle"
D'luv says: "No, Little Johnny, Flo Rida isn't rap-singing about whistling. He's rambling on about a lady putting her mouth on his dick. And you can bet that doing so is almost as disappointing an experience as listening to this track the whole way through."
Moogaboo says: "I love that it took six writers to come up with the least subtle metaphor for cocksucking since, oh, Flo Rida's 'Right Round'."

1. Nicki Minaj, "Pound The Alarm"
Moogaboo says: "On her best day, Nicki Minaj might be mistaken for a reject from RuPaul's Drag Race, but mostly she just seems like a waste of lash glue. This overproduced anthem adds an annoying dose of RedOne to Nicki's usual try-hard mix, which I find simply unforgivable.
D'luv says: "The American dream is open to many interpretations, but here's mine: gluing a pink wig onto a grand piano, then dropping it on Nicki Minaj."

* The Worst Singles Of 2011
* The Worst Singles Of 2010
* The Worst Singles Of 2009
* The Worst Singles Of 2008
* The Worst Singles Of 2007
* The Worst Singles Of 2006

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  • At 10:02 AM, Blogger John said…

    Spot on. I don't see one here that I would even attempt to defend. Bravo.

  • At 10:05 AM, Blogger D'luv said…

    As ever, we aim to please!

  • At 7:20 PM, Blogger zore said…

    Well, this should be on some major magazine, really!

    One thing, the only song by Nicki that I ever tolerated was exactly Pound the Alarm, but because that damn alarm part is incredible! The rest of the song is just a wreck

  • At 7:42 PM, Blogger Diva Incarnate said…

    I'm pleased that I hardly know any of these.

    GMAYL was such a disappointment, lazily composing a shit jingle theme tune to mark the occasion of her best promo shot in years almost spoiled what was 2012's greatest musical spectacle (and I include the Spice Girls in that). Of the throwaway fluff found on MDNA, Radio could have been the best chance, but not even a video filmed on instagram could save it. Love Spent was one of her highest price tags in years, the cash-flow of cliches found elsewhere were forgotten in an instant with THAT moment where it boils over into that delicious electro transition. Then there's I'm Addicted... what a sad situation. As one of you two boys said, she was brilliant in her early interviews - the teacup, the teacup cheek implants settling down nicely into an almost normal looking face, and the Norton interview where she humiliated two italian doll-makers, etc. Damn. The tour was amazing though.


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