dispatches from the pop scene...minus the corn syrup.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

The 10 Worst Singles Of 2013: Get Ready 'Cause I've Had Enough

It's the most wonderful time of the year...the point where Moogaboo and I get together and gather up two handfuls of undeniable bunk noise that tried to sneak by as passable pop and give it the ass-whoopin' it deserves. And, Jesus — 2013 was really full of some horrific sewage, music-wise, no?

Below are the 10 biggest culprits. Disagree with our picks? Let us know why below, then consider getting your ears checked. Or go eat fire. Whichever.

10. Kylie Minogue, "Skirt"
Moogaboo says: "I went from almost liking to absolutely hating 'Skirt,' and now when I  hear it I just feel nothing, except maybe a little tired. Call it  Hi-NRV: highly enervating."
D'luv says: "The last time 'Skirt' crossed my mind was when the video was playing on a flatscreen at a gay bar in Pittsburgh, while a remix of some other song was coming over the speakers. Let's hope the rumors are true, and the abortion that was Kylie's stint at Roc Nation is over before it ever really began."

9. Mariah Carey, "The Art Of Letting Go"

Moogaboo says: "Mimi, dear, after this tuneless attempt at sounding old-skool 'soulful,' complete with organ riff-ettes ripped straight from Motown: The Musical, I have no problem deleting you from my contacts."
D'luv says: "A stick of dynamite exploding while half-jammed up Nicki Minaj's ass has a better chorus than this attempt at getting the grandma set to part with a buck 29."
PREVIOUS TRIUMPH: Mariah whistle-shrieked her way to #10 on our Worst Singles Of 2012 list with "Triumphant" and #5 on the 2008 roundup with her aptly-titled flop "Bye Bye."

8. Britney Spears, "Perfume"

Moogaboo says: "The ironic title isn’t the worst thing about this stinky flop; it’s the dread that creeps in when one realizes Sia is getting paid a million clams a day to hack out such tired jingles."
D'luv: "It does bum me out knowing that even the usually-on-point Sia can be rendered paint-dry dull when paired-up with will.i.am."

7. Katy Perry, "Roar"
Moogaboo says: "I admit, I was into Katy’s stuff up through 'Wide Awake,' so I’m a little confused as to why her new stuff is so brainless and terrible. Either  her contract with Satan ran out or 2010-2012 was a much darker period for me than I previously thought."
D'luv says: "Maybe it's simply that John Mayer's dick has the power to lobotomize?"
PREVIOUS TRIUMPH: Cute-as-a-button previously bounced her knockers onto our Worst Singles Of 2009 list at #4 with "Thinking Of You."

6. Britney Spears, "Ooh La La"
D'luv says: "I opted to guzzle a bucket of Smurf chum instead of listening to 'Ooh La La' again for this."
Moogaboo says: "I get that this was for kids, ie. gay men in their thirties, but kids can feel second-hand embarrassment, too. Imagine how those poor things felt after 'Perfume'."

5. Pitbull feat. Christina Aguilera, "Feel This Moment"
Moogaboo says: "This generation’s MC Hammer finally delivers an anthem worthy of Xtina, queen of the sidecar hit. If only it didn’t make me feel like putting my face in a food processor."
D'luv says: "I have a sinking feeling all these chicks who collaborate with Pitbull wind up booking an appointment to get the STDs Dust-Vac'd out of them by week's end."
PREVIOUS TRIUMPH: Thoroughly pleasant songbird Xtina was last seen on our Worst Singles roundup in 2009, when she soared in at #10 with "Not Myself Tonight." Before that, "Ain't No Other Man" easily sailed to #6 on our 2006 list.

4. Robin Thicke feat. Other Flops, "Blurred Lines"

D'luv says: "I'm still waiting for someone to tell me that this song's 12-week stint at #1 was all just an elaborate joke."
Moogaboo: "This song and Robin Thicke give me a total hard-off. Looking on the bright side, at least impotent overcompensation now has it’s own theme song?"

3. Bonnie McKee, "American Girl"
Moogaboo says: "We get it, Bonnie - you made a million bucks from 'Teenage Dream,' now it’s your time to shine and no one’s going to tell you your single is shit or that you’re dressed like an idiot. However, this single is still shit and you are, in fact, dressed like an idiot."
D'luv says: "Is this the one with the video where the ginger mom puts corn nuts up her pussy in a 7-11?"

2. Britney Spears, "Work Bitch"

Moogaboo says: "Somewhere in the future, this is already the best hair gel commercial ever."
D'luv says: "You're feeling generous at the holidays. I was thinking more like an ad for Ross Dress For Less."

1. Baauer, "Harlem Shake"

Moogaboo says: “'Harlem Shake' would be a good nickname for $2 handjobs given in a club bathroom by, say, a one-hit wonder whose royalties have run out."
D'luv says: "Well, fuck me — if only I hadn't already cheese-grated my dick off from hearing this shit too many times last winter."

* The Worst Singles Of 2012
* The Worst Singles Of 2011
* The Worst Singles Of 2010
* The Worst Singles Of 2009
* The Worst Singles Of 2008
* The Worst Singles Of 2007
* The Worst Singles Of 2006

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  • At 8:36 AM, Blogger dishy said…

    Spot on .... except for WORK BITCH!!!! I like that fucking number! BITCH!

  • At 9:18 AM, Blogger D'luv said…

    Ha ha. Thanks for almost agreeing with this year's roundup, dishy! But you want Britney to avoid the Worst list? She better work *harder*, BITCH...and lose will.i.am's phone number.

  • At 10:59 AM, Blogger dishy said…

    Will.I.stupid needs to go to Haiti and get lost for good. What a viral disease he is!

  • At 11:57 AM, Blogger MrNewmoononmonday said…

    Great list. I liked "Roar" even though I can't listen to it anymore. Don't judge me. :) I will continue to avoid the rest of the songs on this list, thanks for the warning. I love me some Kylie, but is "Skirt" even a song?? And thank you for bringing back "UK Chart Roundup".

  • At 12:38 PM, Anonymous Popozao said…

    Thank you for skewering the insufferable Bonnie McKee, but most of all, thank you for giving us the ultimate Spears-ectomy the world deserves! Here's hoping 2014's inevitable "Pink Wig Sessions" turn out better than the crimes against humanity she queefed in the charts' general direction.

  • At 9:14 PM, Blogger D'luv said…

    MrNewmoononmonday, no problem! Sometimes it's good to step away for a bit and recharge ;)

    Popozao, I *wish* Blackoutney would go back to the days of the pink wig. She was making good music then!

  • At 11:59 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    agree with everything except the Kylie track which happens to be in my top 5 of most listened to/fave tracks of 2013!

  • At 7:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I would agree with many of the choices.

    However, #7, Roar, can be improved infinitely by morphing it with Kylie Minogue's 1989 jam 'Wouldn't Change A Thing':


    [courtesy of Mark Johnce]

  • At 7:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Sorry, the link should've been:


  • At 4:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Have to agree with Pourhomme: Skirt was a favorite this year. That and Belinda Carlisle's "Sun" got the most plays on my ipod over all else. Spot on elsewhere though.

  • At 1:31 AM, Blogger wpmsd said…

    When do we get the "Best of" List?

  • At 7:48 PM, Blogger D'luv said…

    wpmsd, at Christmas, of course!

  • At 12:40 PM, Blogger wpmsd said…

    Most of these are definitely cringe-inducing, although I am somewhat embarrassed to admit I actually like #1 & 2. Why that is, I really have no idea.

    Also, funny to note how your worst list of 2013 generated far more comments than the best list.


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